Bück Dich [Revising]

Chapter 9: Coping Mechanisms

FLAKE'S POV

I hate how I can't be mad at you. You ruin my life then you smile like the big idiot you are and there I stand...  just appreciating how clueless and cute you can be. Your cruel nature leaves my heart tortured and disoriented, but... at the end of the day... I still love you.

We sit in silence for a while. I continue to rest my head under his chin. All I can hear is his well-paced heartbeat and his heavily but deep breathing. I close my eyes and savor the moment as much as I could. I wish things had not taken such a dark turn for the both of us... well... me in specific.

I feel his body shift a bit before saying, "I guess it's time for me to go back home." I hesitate a bit.

"Why?" I curiously ask.

"Knowing Paul, he probably told Richard by now. I'm sure the last thing they want is me near you." The way he says it only adds more to my pain. He really is affected by all of this. Poor guy has never been okay with his emotions. He never knows how to deal with them, hence why he reacts so impulsively and thoughtlessly.

"That's true." I had nothing more to say. Of course I want him here, but at what cost? He makes no effort in continuing the conversation. I look up at him for a bit. I can see how glossy his eyes have become. He blinks a few times before asking me to move. Till stands up and straightens his shirt a bit. He gets his keys and begins to head out. He hesitates though. I see him turn his head back to me and force a smile.

"Alright then... bye, Flake." His depressing tone only breaks my heart more. He didn't want to leave my house. I didn't want him to leave.

"Bye, Till." I force out before turning away from him. There is a long period of silence between us.

"Flake?" He hesitates with that saddened puppy look he gets whenever he is filled with anxiety.

"Yes, Till?" I force out, feeling my heart pound in my throat.

"...I don't want to go." My heart stops for a brief moment. The pain in his voice echoes throughout the awkwardly silent room.

"Then don't." I shyly reply.

"But if they see us- " He bursts out with a look that says it all; fear plagues his troubled mind as he stumbles out some words and struggles to coherently talk.

"Till, who cares what they think? What you did, sure it was really bad, but you showed me you regretted hurting me like that. They will never understand that."

"I know Flake but-" He sputters out with his arms on his head, full of distress and anxiety.

"Till." I flatly say without breaking eye contact.

"What?" The desperation in his tone makes me choose my words wisely.

"Regardless of what happens to this band, I just want you to know I will never stop caring about you." I say with a smile before looking down away from him.

He stops dead in his tracks and sniffs once before saying, "...thank you, Christian. I don't know what I did to deserve you."

"You don't deserve me at all. I put up with so much of your anger outburts." I chuckle a bit before smiling.

"I'm sorry, Flake. I'll try to be better." I smile at him and shake my head.

"Come here, you brute." He laughs before returning to my side on the bed. We sit together in silence for some time. Who knows how long happiness like this will last.

After some time, I see Till yawn out of exhaustion. I check the time, and it reads 23:45 (11:45.) It is very late for the both of us. Knowing Till, he probably doesn't want to go to sleep. He's very stubborn about resting around friends. It's a strange insecurity of his. I glance over at Till who is now nodding away into a deep slumber.

"Schatz, you should sleep?" I suggest. He snorts and shakes his head.

"No. I can't."

"And why's that?" I smile and look at him. He, however, refuses to glance in my direction. My smile soon fades away as concern for him begins to grow.

"What I did. That. That's not leaving my mind." Things go silent between us. A part of me is happy he feels guilty, but the other part of me feels a deep sorrow. He's an idiot, but I will never wish sleepless nights and constant tormenting thoughts on him. I place my hand on his shoulder and reassure him that it is okay to get some rest. I rub his back a bit before he lets out a deep sigh.

"Till, please sleep. You need it."

"I won't be able to."

"Just try, please? I need sleep too. I can't stay up all night for you this time. Richard will be expecting us tomorrow. It's best we go as well rested as possible." I bargain as I lay myself down on my bed. Till looks me in the eyes and rubs my head rather roughly but playfully. I push his large hand away and let out a small chuckle.

"I'll be... back," he says with hesitation. His voice worries me a bit though. It has that sadness he normally has whenever people interview him on topics he isn't too comfortable talking about. I let it slide this time because my exhaustion got the best of me.

I have not been able to sleep for quite some time. I look over at my clock, and it seems that an hour has passed since Till left to do "something." My heart jumps at the thought of something reckless that Till could be doing at the moment. As soon as I get up, I see Till walking back clutching something in his hand and flexing his other arm. I could see the veins popping out from the flexed arm. My initial thought is that he was planning something bad for me. I flinch and cover my face.

"Flake, no. It's me, Till. Wait, nevermind. I understand why you did that." His voice trails off, and he looks in the distance.

"Wait, Schatz. It wasn't intentional. You startled me-that's all." He grunts before he throws himself on my bed. His back is turned to me; all I can see is his back moving as a result from his heavy breathing. "Till?"

"Yes, Flake?" His monotone voice throws me off, and I lose my train of thought.

"I uh... can I... see you?" Till remains quiet for what seemed like minutes. It is as if he is contemplating something. After some time he turns to face me. I smile at him, but he doesn't reciprocate at first. His eyes are full of pain as he forces a smile. You're not fooling anyone, Till I think to myself.

"Thank you," I awkwardly blurt out. We remain locked in each other's gaze for some time before he offers to embrace me. I accept because all I want is for my pain to be gone. He pulls me close with a trembling arm and kisses me on the forehead.

"Don't be mad at me," he whispers. I look up at him and his eyes read more pain than ever. I can almost see tears form at the corner of his left eye.

"I'm not mad, Till. I love you too much to be mad."

"No."

"No what?"

"Let's just sleep, okay?" My curiosity to push more on what he means begins to skyrocket. I desperately want to know what he actually means, but deep down I know I won't get an answer. My reasonable and mature side let it slide this time. I'll get an answer out of him eventually. He's such a blabber mouth sometimes.

"Goodnight then." I say before burying my head into his chest. His lack of responses concerns me. I'll deal with this tomorrow though.

Next day

I wake up only to find Till still snoring and facing the other way (away from me.) I shake my head and smirk. I stretch out my arms only to recoil at the sight of dried blood on the sleeves of my shirt.

Blood?! But how? Where did it come from?

I rapidly pull up my sleeves and begin to check my arms. There are no open wounds or cuts that could have caused this. The blood must have come from someplace else...or someone else. I glance over at Till and frown.

-

Originally written: February 23, 2019