As Darkness Falls

16

They sat where they were a little longer. Zoe’s silence seemed to be getting deeper. It was getting more gloomy, Sara thought, and Zoe was hugging herself, too, which probably wasn’t a good thing. Sara wanted to keep Zoe talking, but she wasn’t sure how. She wasn’t sure what to talk about. She wasn’t sure whether she should keep on asking questions, or whether that would just upset Zoe.

Questions meant talking, though, and talking might help, and Sara couldn’t think of anything else to say right now. She could think of anything to say, except to ask about the obvious, so in the end she decided she would.

Talking seemed better than just sitting in silence. At least, she hoped it was.

“There’s something I’d wondered,” Sara said.

“What’s that?”

“Is it okay to ask?”

Zoe shrugged.

“I don’t have to,” Sara said.

“You may as well. Go on.”

“Why did you go to the police when you did?” Sara said. “I mean, why then? Rather than earlier or later? Did you just suddenly realise what was happening was wrong, or did something else happen, or what?”

Zoe sat there for a while, hugging herself, and Sara suddenly felt awful for asking.

“Don’t worry,” Sara said, feeling guilty. “You don’t need to…”

“When did you know you liked girls?” Zoe said.

Sara was surprised. It seemed like an odd question. She thought, then said, “I’m not sure. At school sometime, I guess. Maybe it was slightly afterwards, before I was completely certain.”

“I always knew,” Zoe said. “I mean, for as long as I’d realised you could like anyone. I’ve never looked at a guy how other people seemed to look at them. Just girls.”

Sara nodded, and thought that made the whole thing worse, somehow.

“I was in love with one of my friends,” Zoe said. “Not in love like with you, but a pretty intense crush, you know?”

“Yeah,” Sara said. “I know.”

“So I told her. And she seemed good with it. And we made out for a bit. Just, you know, stuff. And then she went home and told her family and the shit kind of hit the fan.”

“I’m sorry,” Sara said.

“Yeah, me too. But…”

“Things happen?”

“Yep,” Zoe said. “Pretty much. So I’d been happy for an afternoon, though, that was kind of the point. Like for two hours, maybe, I’d been happy, and then going home I realised I’d never really felt like that before. Not happy. Not for years and years. So the next day I went to the police station and said I thought there was a problem with my family.”

Sara leaned over and kissed her. “I love you.”

Zoe looked at Sara, and they were so close Zoe seemed a little cross-eyed. “I know,” she said.

“I really do.”

“Yep, I know,” Zoe thought for a moment. “You make me happy. Like she did.”

“I’m glad.”

“And all the time. Not just for a couple of hours.”

It was a stupid thing to say, but Sara would try anything, if it helped. “That other girl,” she said. “Do you want to try and find her?”

“What?”

“We could try and find her, if you wanted to. I mean, I’m a cop, I can find people…”

“Um, no.”

“Are you sure?”

“Fuck yes. She’s probably spent ten years in one of those gay deprogramming classes or something. I’d be like this tempting demon from her past coming after her.”

“Yeah?” Sara said, thinking. “Well, maybe you should then.”

And Zoe laughed. For the first time in days, she actually laughed.

Zoe laughed, and then sat there smiling, and seemed a little better. And Sara looked over at Zoe and was glad, and felt like she could see the person she loved inside there again.

“Are you okay?” Sara said.

“Mostly.”

“With us being here?”

“Yep, I think so.”

“Are you going to keep being okay?”

Zoe nodded. “I’m just a little worried about us.”

“Don’t be,” Sara said. Then, “What about us?”

“I don’t know. Just, this is intense. It could get messy, and I don’t want it to hurt you.”

“It won’t,” Sara said.

“But if it does, if it all starts to feel too much, or like it’s coming between us somehow, so it’s a problem for you and me… I don’t know how, but somehow. Then we’ll just stop, okay? We’ll stop and go home.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I don’t think it will. But if it does, I want you, not them.”

Sara thought about that.

“I mean it,” Zoe said. “I pick you, not them. I pick you, and we go, and we never think about them again.”

Sara nodded.

“You’re everything,” Zoe said. “Absolutely everything. And I know it’s not fair to put that on you, but it’s true. I was on my own for years, and it was just kind of empty. Everything was empty. Life was empty. I mean, I never knew it then, but I wasn’t really complete, somehow. And then I found you and suddenly I was complete, and I’m not going to risk you for anything.”

Sara leaned over and kissed her and said, “Me too. Absolutely me too. I just don’t know how to say it like you can.”

“I love you.”

“I love you. So fucking much.”

Zoe leaned over, and kissed Sara, and Sara kissed her back. They sat in the car outside the school that wasn’t Zoe’s and kissed for a long, long time. They kissed and held each other and listened to the hissing wet tyres of passing traffic go past them on a wet winter road.

Zoe seemed better, and Sara was glad. All Sara could do was try and help.