FAT and in Love

Chapter 1: I'm Fat

I'm fat. There. I said it. I haven't always been, which is what kills me. Growing up, I had the metabolism of a hummingbird, but as I got older- moved to a rural area with my family where you can only get to anywhere by driving in something that can go more than 40 miles per hour and took a sedentary job- my metabolism began to retire.

The only thing I got going for me is that I still have somewhat of a shape. My pounds usually pack onto my thighs and hips, but lately, I'm the heaviest I've ever been. I have arm fat! I've never had arm fat. Like, ever.

Born and raise partially in Jamaica, I have always been active in sports, walking, and running. When I moved to the States and began junior high, I was chiseled to the core. Ripped. Every guy wanted me, even the gross older ones. Now, I'm lucky if a guy looks my way.

This couldn't happen at a worse time. It's not that I'm eating more than I ever had, I guess I'm just not active enough. The thing is, in the past I could go work out for an hour doing something intensive and shed 10 pounds literally the next day. Now... nothing. I'm lucky if I lose a pound after two weeks of going to the gym each day.

The worse is at the dinner table today, while on vacation with my family. I took more rice (which wasn't a lot to begin with because there were hardly any leftovers left). My brother wanted some more and so I split it with him. It was about a tablespoon of the stuff and the rice I took was a handful. I had hardly eaten the entire day and I'm not going to lie. I was starving. So I took more. I took a slice of bread to use for the gravy that was left in the serving bowl. A slice. My mother tells me, "Do you see how much you're eating? Aren't you the one trying to lose weight?"

"Yeah, you're going to have to work it off", chimed in Dad, always quick to jump to mom's side.

That was it. It worked. I lost my appetite. The tears formed. I always feel like a pig when I eat anything or when I feel hungry. So I've decided from THIS day. I'm going to stay away from food. I'm not going to starve myself.... Well... I guess I am. Maybe if I'm hungry all the time, my body will get the message and shrink my stomach.

It's not about looking like a model. It's about feeling good about myself and there's nothing worse when someone who was once fit turns fat.

Yes, it's like the situation with blind people. If they were blind from birth, they would never miss the sensation of sight. However, for someone who had been able to see their entire life, becoming blind must be ultimately devastating. For most of my life I was fit so coupled with the exercise, I've decided to fast from food. Of course one must be wise because all out starving yourself will actually slow down your metabolism more but where there is a will there is a way.

I want love, happiness, and I want to feel free and light as I did before.

Right at this moment, I want to be anywhere but in this hotel with my family- everyone who is so... not fat.