Dear friend,
I was walking with a girl named Morgan (I refuse ro call anybody my friend) and she informed me that Alexis thinks I don't care about her. It went something like this.
"Alexis thinks you don't care about her."
"Well, that's one of the perks of not caring about anyone. I make no exceptions unless it comes to my family."
And then she just looked at me like she couldn't believe what I said.
What am I supposed to do? Just lie and act like I care about anybody? To act like I can't stop thinking about her? Like I love relationsgips and I never want her to break up with me? Like I will be absolutely devastated if she does? No. I have to be true to myself. And that's who I am. I am a terrible person. Who hates relationships. I really think that I can't have immense feelings for anybody. It isn't part of my mindset.
But yeah. She doesn't think I care about her. She has stopped asking me to sit with her at lunch. And I know she looks at me during class sometimes. But I don't look back. I don't know if J have feelings for her. I don't know if I ever want to date anybody again. Dating sucks.
And if she wants us to talk so bad then why doesn't she? I am open to conversation as long as somebody else starts it. I am terrible with starting conversations. And nobody cares about my life or opinion. But neither do I. So why am I writing this, you ask? Well,I guess my one desire is that there was a person who decided that instead of talking to somebody he was going to post hus life online, and he doesn't have any friends and doesn't want any, and that he hates relationships, and that he knows he doesn't matter. But that's okay. I understand that I cannot impact any lives, and I keep pushing people away, and that people think that I am annoying and not fun to be around, but the point is I don't care.
Or I say I don't care.
I used to have friends. A few years ago. And then I changed schools. And then I had friends for a year. And then I just stopped caring. Because everything falls apart at some point. And the more I care, the more it hurts.
I have started to think again and I don't want to and all I want to do is cry and I don't know why and I just want everything to stop. I ask people questions sometimes.
"What makes me so unlikable?"
No answer.
"Would things be better if I didn't exist?"
A resounding yes.
I don't know. All I know is that Alexis might actually care about me, and that I want to have friends that care, and I want to see Adam again. Adam was great. He is 21, and I worked with him over the summer. He is my best friend. I can relate to him very easily.
Love always,
Zombastik
