Best Friends Forever

26

Awkward was the only word I could use to describe the next morning. I woke up to a sleeping Jason and his words from the other night echoeing in my mind. We'd both stayed silent after he'd spoken, and eventually we had both fallen asleep.

He wanted to kiss me? That was as confusing as it was unexpected. Since when did Jason want to kiss me?

And even crazier, did I want to kiss Jason? Was I attracted to him? He was hot for sure, but I'd never really thought of him like that. Could I ever think of him like that?

My thoughts were cut short when he started to stir. I watched as he slowly opened his eyes. They took a second to focus in on me, then he winced.

"Oh god, fuck!" he said.

"What?" I said, shocked.

"Why are you here?"

"What do you mean?"

He groaned. "Fuck."

"What the hell, Jason?"

"What did I do last night?"

"Um, we went to Brad's party and you got super drunk."

"And?" he prompted.

"And what?"

"Is that it?"

"Mostly."

"So there's more?" Jason asked.

I looked up at him, holding his gaze. "You told me you wanted to kiss me."

He stared back at me and blinked blankly. A moment passed, then he burst out laughing. "How drunk was I? That's disgusting."

A blush of red crept up my face at the blatant rejection. "It's not disgusting."

"I must've been so horny to have said that, damn. Anytime there's a girl in my bed, my brain is trained to make these moves."

To say I was embarassed was an understatement. I was mortified. There I was considering that maybe I did want Jason like that this morning, only to find out that he would literally never think of me like that.

But I couldn't deny that a part of me was relieved. The implications had Jason meant it were big. Firstly, it would throw off the whole balance of our friend group. And secondly, and much more importantly, it would probably hurt Lucas in ways neither Jason nor I would ever want to.

I let out a forced laugh. "That's what I thought," I said. "How weird would it be?"

"So freaking weird," Jason agreed quickly. "And Lucas-"

"Yes," I said. "Lucas."

"Hypothetically, do you think Luke would ever forgive us?" Jason asked.

"Hypothetically?" I repeated. "Hypothetically... I think he would."

"Why do you think that?" Jason asked. "Hypothetically, of course."

"Well... Hypothetically, I think Luke just wants us to be happy."

"Yeah, I know he does. But I don't think you understand, Leils. Lucas has been head-over-heels in love with you for as long as I can remember."

"Okay, that's a little dramatic," I said. "I know he's had a bit of a crush on me-"

"No, Leils. I mean it when I say he's head-over-heels in love with you. Lucas would do literally anything for you."

"He would do anything for you, too," I pointed out.

"Yeah, so he's head-over-heels in love with me too," Jason joked. "That part goes without saying."

I rolled my eyes at him. "Lucas has never made a move on me."

"You don't think he's wanted to?" Jason asked. "If it wouldn't risk your friendship or if he knew you reciprocated, he would've."

We sat in silence as Jason's words settled over us. I stared at the wall in silence, trying to understand what I was feeling. Did Lucas think I didn't reciprocate? Because maybe if he'd tried, I could've.

I had absolutely no idea if I would've reciprocated, and that was precisely the problem. I had no idea what I wanted or how I felt about anything at all.

I'd always had this feeling of being a passenger in my own life. Who was driving at the wheel? I had no idea, but it wasn't me. Everything I'd done and probably everything I'd ever do would be at the discretion of others. I was like a sheep, always herded with the crowd.

But that wasn't who I wanted to be. I was more than a sheep. My parents hadn't raised me that way, or at least they'd tried not to. My dad had always known what he wanted. He knew and he went for it and he got it.

Those were genes I hadn't gotten from him. As I feared, I was much more like my mother in this sense.

I'd once said that I didn't know my mom on anything past surface level. Sometimes I thought maybe she didn't know herself any better than that either, and that was why she never opened up to me. Maybe she never opened up to herself, too. She had locked away parts of herself that she would never open up willingly again, not even to herself.

But I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to be the girl who let other people dictate her future. I didn't want to be the girl who never knew what she wanted, a follower and not a leader. And though it sounded harsh, I didn't want to be like my mother.

"What do you want, Jason?" I asked.

He looked up at me. "What do you mean?"

"What do you want?" I repeated.

"Like, for breakfast?" he joked.

I brushed his joke away, my body suddenly filled with a confidence I'd almost never experienced before. "Did you mean it when you said you wanted to kiss me?"

"Leils..." he started. "I need you to forget I ever said that."

"Why?" I asked.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to explain how much Lucas means to me," Jason said. "Obviously you know he's a great guy... but there are things he's done for me that you don't know, and if you did..."

I waited for him to continue, but he didn't. "If I did?" I prompted.

"I owe Lucas my life, Leils. Literally. Going for the girl he's loved since he learned to walk doesn't seem like a great way to repay him."

"I don't think he expects you to repay him for the things he's done for you, J."

"He doesn't. Of course he doesn't," Jason said. "That's the worst part about it is that he doesn't want anything in return. He does everything he does just because he cares about me. Hell, he cares about me more than my own parents do.  It's selfless, and as selfish as I am, the one person I refuse to hurt in my life is Lucas."

"I understand," I said, and I did.

"I'm sorry, Leils," Jason said quietly. "For the record, I think you're the most amazing girl in the whole world. If things were different..."

"I understand," I repeated, then pushed myself up and off the bed. My confidence was gone, and it was all replaced by embarassment and a twinge of sadness.

I'd never known that I wanted Jason, but now that he had flat out rejected me, it made me realize just how good we would've been together. Who knew where things would've ended up? But now, I would never know, and that made me sad.

I shook my head and shook the feeling off, going to the bathroom and washing my face. I looked up into the mirror, at the bags under my eyes and my messy hair and the one tear that managed to escape down my cheek. I wiped it away hastily, took a deep breath, and carried on as if today had never happened.