I Couldn't Stop Caring

Chapter 11

Clarke sat, her head rested on her hand as she slumped over the table, the bags under her eyes weighing her down into a terrible mood. All night, she had been awake. The nightmares were still just as graphic, just as detailed and horrific as before. She gave up on sleep after waking up for the third time that night.

She sat at the highest table, twirling her fork in her hand as she stared down at the food on her plate. Some of it she didn't even recognise, but she blamed it on the fact that she lived in space with limited resources for most of her life.

Lexa, who sat beside her at the centre of the table, glanced over at her plate and frowned. Clarke lifted her eyes to hers.

"What even is this anyways?" Clarke poked at the oddly coloured meat with her knife.

"It is pheasant meat, Clarke." Lexa said simply "it is a rare meat to have"

"Then why are we eating it and not breeding the animals so they don't go extinct?" Clarke scoffed. She was sleepless. Drained of her patience and drained of her tolerance. And Lexa seemed to realise this.

"They are bred Clarke" Lexa pressed her knife and fork to the table, her jaw clenching and unclenching as she chewed on her food. Clarke watched the bob in her throat as she swallowed.

"So your people don't just think about killing and surviving then" Clarke tilted her head "interesting fact. You care more about pheasants than allies."

"Clarke-" Lexa frowned, the other girl's words no doubt striking her harshly.

"I know. I know. I'm sorry." Clarke frowned "I just... I haven't had a good night's sleep since before the attack on mount weather."

Clarke felt guilty. Lexa, wether it was the drunk talking or not, had opened up to Clarke in one single word which admitted thousands of others.

"What made you change your mind so quickly, commander?"

Her question had been a useless attempt in a pointless dig at Lexa.

"You"

Lexa's response was like a fist to her gut in retaliation. Clarke picked up her fork and began to eat the meat layed out in front of her. It felt almost strange, sharing a moment in the morning to eat breakfast with skaikru and the grounders. With Lexa. She frowned as she looked at Lexa once again, her eyes narrowed slightly in imagination as her thoughts began to bubble.

What would have Lexa been like, if she had never had the weight of command on her shoulders? If she lived a normal life on the ground, without having to lead thousands of others?

What would have Lexa been like, if she had been born on the Ark? If she had tumbled down from the sky itself and landed in the depths of Earth with Clarke?

"Can I help you?" Lexa asked. Clarke had just been staring, eyes narrowed, deep in thought at Lexa for a few minutes now. The commander had spoken when she had grown uncomfortable. Clarke sat back, turning her gaze elsewhere.

"No. I was just thinking."

"About what?" Lexa lifted her chin "if you are worried about your weapons, do not. I have them under high security protection in the deepest floor of this tower. To reach it would simply be impossib-"

"I'm not worried about the weapons" Clarke sighed

"Then what are you worried about?"

"Arkadia. We left Sinclair in charge but..." she sighed "the amount of farm station people there, it makes me uncomfortable. You know how they are, you met their leader Pike. They'll follow him into anything."