Why Don't I Write You A Poem

Terrified

Usually I say "When I look in the mirror I cringe"
And sometimes I do,
But other times I don't even see myself as a person,
More of a spectator in an empty shell.
I see a mask not quite painted right so it looks...
Off.
I don't look real,
And I definately don't look like I'm worth much.
And this should affect me, but it doesn't.
I'm so used to the way I see myself I've become numb to my self hatred.
It's normal for me to hate something about myself,
And if for a moment I don't hate something,
I think about it or look at it alot until I start to
"Think rationally"
Yeah.
To my brain is irrational to think I have good traits, either physical, mental or emotional.
My therapist said I have no self esteem.
She's right.
I only have confidence when I've been complimented enough over a period of time about one thing,
And even then the confidence doesn't last long because then my brains says
"Think rationally"
People might lie sometimes therefore everyone must be lying all the time.
One person might say I have pretty eyes or a nice shirt, but that doesn't mean everyone thinks that.
I don't care what people think of me but I do at the same time.
I'm constantly worried about what I could say or do wrong but I don't think before I speak or act.
I'm a reckless monstrosity, a hurricane formed by calm waters and wind.
An experiment gone wrong,
A ball of anxiety,
Depression, and insecurity
Rolled tightly to fit as much as possible.
I'm scared all the time of everything for no reason but for every reason.
I want to live my life but consider suicide almost everyday.
I'm a freak.
A mistake.
A faulty code, an error.
People sometimes have a hard time showing affection so they must not love or care about me at all.
It makes no sense.
None of me does.
I'm asked to explain myself but not even I understand what is going on in my own head.
I'm an anxious spectator unable to walk away from a half dead movie.
It's poorly put together and the quality is bad but I just can't stop watching.
This empty shell is the movie theater and I'm the only one who bought a ticket.
Other people stumble in from time to time so see what's going on but they all always leave when it's gets too bad.
Such a shitty movie, but I can't stop watching.
No matter how much I want to leave this empty shell I just can't.
I hate the movie and I hate the theater.
I'm practically a prisoner here put behind bars for a crime I didn't commit.
I didn't ask for this. I didn't do anything wrong.
That so called God just decided that I should be stuck in a cycle of hell.
Maybe I'm a lab rat.
Maybe I'm nothing.
Nothing but a shell and a spectator, watching the cycle repeat.
If you don't like the movie you don't have to suffer through it with me.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm too much of a pussy to leave this poor excuse of a body.
It would be so easy to end my life but,
I'm just too scared.
I'm always too scared.
Of everything.