Queen of the Underworld

29

It was New Years Eve. I would have to go back to America in two days. I debated on visiting them, not knowing what I would say.

What would they think of me?

Would they even want to see me?

I had decided there was only one way to find out.

I got up early in the morning and began getting ready. The nerves of visiting them had my mind going crazy. I couldn't think straight, making it impossible to do much of anything. It took me five minutes to realize I had turned on the shower and had to get inside.

Of course I wanted to visit them again. I've been wanting to since I told Lorenzo about wanting to come to Colombia. I just didn't know if I would have the guts to. Last time I came to Colombia the reasons were despicable and the outcome was worse.

Getting ready had never been so hard for me. I felt like I was grieving them all over again. Like I had just received the news and my mind was processing it. I guess after the funeral, I refused to think about it or even accept it, in hopes of not having to deal with it.

Because visiting them, and seeing their names carved into that tombstone made it that much more real. And I don't know how much realer I can take. Not seeing them everywhere was already taking a huge toll on me. A toll that I expertly knew how to hide. It made me stay up late at night and think about how my life had gotten to this point. It made me have nightmares of the worse day of my life. It made me feel like I was slowly withering away and couldn't stop.

When I had already finished getting ready I made my way downstairs, where I spotted Jessica and Jonathan having breakfast together. They both cocked their head at my early readiness, something that never happens.

"Hey, you were sleeping and we didn't want to wake you up." Jonathan said, suspicion lacing his words.

"Hi," I managed to mumble back.

Just the thought that I would be even going back to the cemetery, brought my mood down various levels.

"Are you okay? You're never up this early." Jessica asked tenderly.

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak clearly.

Silence surrounded us as I got a bagel from the counter and spread cream cheese inside. As I poured myself coffee, my thoughts went back to the funeral. The way I bolted because I couldn't handle the sight of the two coffins. And again I thought, how did my life reach this point?

"Tas. Tas!"

I jerked my head upward, ignoring my raging thoughts.

"Yes?" I said softly.

"The coffee, you're spilling it."

I turned to face the mug and, surely enough, the coffee overflowed making it drip down my hand and all over the white marble counter. I lifted the pot and put it back in the coffee maker.

"S-sorry." I mumbled, reaching for the cloth and wiping the surface clean.

I made my way to the sink and began rinsing the cloth, ridding it of any traces of coffee. When it was all clean, I wiped the surface one more time and placed the cloth back atop the border of the sink.

"Are you sure you're-"

"I'm fine Jonathan." I said sharply. It didn't come out in a rude way, but the way Jonathan's eyes filled with shock made my stomach turn with guilt.

He nodded and went back to his eggs. I began eating my bagel, when my mouth had enough and I needed to drink, I realized I forgot to add sugar and milk to the coffee. I could have gotten up and done so, but I decided it was easier to give up on breakfast and leave.