Unquenchable

Love on the brain?

And you got me like ahhhhh! What you want from me?
I'm tired of being played like a violin, what do I gotta do to get in your Motherfucking heart?
Baby, I'm fist fighting with fire just to get close to you. Can we burn something babe. I'll run for miles just to get a taste!
MUST BE LOVE ON THE BRAIN! 
I scream out in the shower!
THAT'S GOT ME FEELING THIS WAY!
It beats me black and blue
But it fucks me so good
& I can't get enough.

There it was. Those last three lines. How many times have I been black and blue? More times than is socially acceptable. How many times has Tre fucked me good? Every. Single. Time.
8 years later and here I was, obviously I couldn't get enough. Is this what love on the brain does to you? Was it code for being stupid? Brain fart? Obviously it's code for making horrible life choices.

I wished I had broken Tre a long time ago. It took so much to even hurt him a little. I'm just such an emotional person and he just thinks I'm this heartless savage bitch. You know how the body works. You get a cut it scabs to protect the wound while it heals. Well I've been cut so much from Tre I'm just one big SCAB. He sees the hard exterior but forgets I'm wounded underneath so he keeps pushing. Keep testing me. He keeps picking me until I bleed. How long can you go until you just....snap back!

I was at work, checked my period tracker and I was late. I took a screenshot and sent it to him just to see what he would say.
This fucker tells me I need to send this to the other nigga I'm fucking. Keep in mind Tre has slept by me 5/7 days for the past 3 months before i saw him every day. I didn't have the balls to fuck with anyone especially in Nassau. Even though we weren't dating we knew what it was. Thinking back on it, I feel you know what I'm about to say.
Stupid. Stupid. So stupid. 

What were we? Not a shit I was just his toy. He could fuck who he wanted and come home to me. He had the best of both worlds and I was just a prop. Use when wanted. I was beyond tired of him. I got offered an internship for summer. I never replied to him. I told my mom. Made the arrangements got on the flight and I left. Luckily for me my period decided to make an appearance and I wasn't carrying the Spawn of Satan after all. That wasn't enough though. I get a Facebook message from him, if it's mine I want it. So he's doubting it but yet he wants it. I thought about it, he didn't want me, he wanted his child that he thinks I'm carrying. I shuddered at the thought that my life would have really been over. All hopes of meeting the true love of my life, getting married and having children in a happy home would have been out the window and I would have been nothing but tre's baby momma.

Agh shit. 

I got down on my knees and thanked God for helping me dodge that bullet. Yet I couldn't help myself from responding to him. He accused me of running away with his child. I let him know it was a false alarm. Then he was just concerned about when I was coming home. Every conversation he wanted to know when I was coming back. He just wanted his possession back under his thumb. He paid more attention now that I was thousands of miles away. We video called often and we kind of reconnected. We talked about marriage and settling down living together and I got butterflies just thinking about it. He was the love of my life after all. At that point all I wanted to do was come home and see him. Absolutely retarded. I was in Miami having the experience of a lifetime. Planning events which was my passion and the fucker just brain washed me into feeling incomplete away from him. Why couldn't I hate him? Why did I just let him get in my head? I was home at a decent hour. We video called when he got ready for work, when he was at work, before I went to bed. He picked out my outfits complimented me made me feel special. He used those 6 weeks to undo the years of damage and I just wanted my man back.

So when it was almost time to come home I changed my flight to the Saturday instead of the Monday so I could surprise him at a party I knew he would be at. If I knew it would start the chain cycle that would end us forever and throw me into depression I would have stayed my ass in Miami! I mean all the signs said don't go. No, EVERYTHING. The universe practically screamed at me to stay put. I was so fucking determined to see him on THAT day. I drove up the highway on the wrong side and almost died. On my way to the airport my jeep almost slid off the road I had to pay $100 change flight fee. Then the flight was delayed by 3 hours. What was wrong with me! Why couldn't I just relax and go on my scheduled flight? Was I in a hurry to destroy what was left of my life? Now that I analyse it, my inner me just wanted to end the 8 years of bull shit, for good.

   I won't get into what happened when i arrived but i will give you guys a quick synopsis. I show up. He Acts Out. I meet his 'friend' that wasn't really his friend, curve him, catch Trey with another girl and everything goes completely down hill. As per usual. What is really wrong with me? Is it crack? Have I been unconsciously sniffing cocaine?

 Must be love on the brain.