Unquenchable

The beginning of the end

Have you ever sat down & thought about your life? How you got the point you're at? What you could have done to change it? My mother always told me the one thing is life that is constant is change. I've always dreamed of settling down, marrying my soul mate, having gorgeous twin girls and travelling the world with MY person. Is that unreasonable? Unrealistic? So, how in God's green earth did I end up here? Was it for putting my brother in the baker when i was little? Did i not pray enough? Was i envious of someone's relationship that mine had to turn out this way? I felt like I was suffocating, dry mouth, couldn't swallow, hot flashes & all i wanted was to ease this pain. No matter what I did, how much of life's water I drank, all the lectures, all the advice, no matter what i tried I was just UNQUENCHABLE.

July 2018

"You don't think I'm serious do you? You always take me for a clown Rayne! If you won't be with me you'll be with him. 4 days is a long time. You know what? Forget it! I'm calling my mother & ending this for good. You don't love me, you never have."

"Tre, I've loved you for 8 years of my life aren't we too old for this suicidal talk? I thought we were past this. Do not call your mother I will come for you right now I swear. We can talk and figure this out, like we always do. Please ! Don't do this you know I love you!"

" You love him ! You whore! We were finally okay, I forgave you for fucking him even though he was my boy! We were starting over! I bared my soul to you Rayne! You spit in my face and slept there again anyway!  After I begged you not to speak to him again? Really? You don't respect me, love me or care about my sanity. I never thought we would be back to this point & now it's the last time."

"Tre baby please! I had to properly end things with him ! Then you and I fought this morning! I just needed space so I ended things with both of you! We can't ignore the fact that you have a violent side after you swore that was over. I'm not choosing him and I'm not choosing you I just wanted space so we don't all kill each other! Was that so much to ask? But you are so fucking selfish because I wouldn't pick you up from work you get drunk, walk  only God knows where and are now calling me to guilt me with your final goodbye right?! Right! You just want me to hurt, you're always manipulating me! I hate it ! I hate you!"

"You love me, you always have, you always will and that's why you'll never go anywhere no matter what I do, but imagine what my family will think of you after I do this. You're nothing Rayne & you'll never be anything without me. Just leave me alone. Goodbye." 

     The phone call ends.  I dial back repeatedly to no answer.  Running my hands over my caramel skin I'm thinking if I should get in the car and go find him. Is he going to do it? Of course he is, how many times has he already proven to you he does what he says? He knows hurting himself is the best way to hurt you. Why do you care so much? Why do you give him all of this power? If you go out there and he's dead police are taking you in. But at least you'll get to have  your final moments with the love of your life. Then there is the option that he's not dead and he takes you out on the note that if he can't have you no one else can either. Hmm, at least I'll go out knowing he loved me enough to kill me? What? What the fuck is wrong with me? Okay just go home, if he's just throwing a tantrum he will call you back and if he's serious..... we'll deal with that when it comes. 

Pulling myself off of my best friends couch I run in the bathroom, wash my face of my unnecessary tears and head out the door.  The phone rings. My heart skips a beat & I drop everything trying to answer it, my heart starts beating out of my chest as I look for tre's name. It's not him. Sighing, I take a deep disappointed breath & answer the phone with more regret than I've ever felt in my life. 

"Hey Justin." 

Justin Parker, the other guy from tre's rant we just witnessed. His "boy" that I'm supposedly going to run back to even though I cut them both off? Now you bitches hold your judgement as to why I even had a moment with my boyfriends boy. Boyfriend. Can I even call him that? No, he doesn't deserve it, I had a moment with my ex who I still had relations with (because I'm an addicted weak bitch) who was kind of  his friend through association because they both are passionate about basketball. Did that even make sense? Lets try this again. Justin, smooth caramel, green eyed with swag that puts that "i be that pretty mother fucker asap rocky" to shame. He is an affiliate of my 8 year ex that i'm too addicted to cut off completely. Not friends, but they run with the same social circle. When i think of it now almost two years later? They are both evil, manipulative canines. I don't even know how to tell you all about the most fucked up situation that ultimately led the the final blow that possibly ended Tre's life and here in mine but just know I had had enough! That fire in my throat just needed to be quenched but little did we know I was just....UNQUENCHABLE.