Unquenchable

He loves me

"He loves me, He loves me not, He loves me, He loves me not, He loves Me."

                                                                                                          -Petal Pullers, Every Young Girl

"Rayne, this is our third session. How are the nightmares?" Dr. Black ask as I lay on her chair for the 2nd time this week.

"Oh the nightmares. Every night they're different yet the same. HE'S there."  I say, with a small shimmer running down my spine.

 
Ever since that night his sister called me and told me he did it anyway. They took him away for help and I just.....snapped. I remember walking into my mothers room and just dropping at her feet and telling her what happened. I blamed myself for it and I felt so fucking guilty. Not for anything I had done but for not being enough for him. You would think I would feel bad for catching feelings for his friend wouldn't you? Nope. Did not feel bad about that. I felt bad for how I handled the situation. Why did he do it? I didn't jump when he said how high. But we aren't ready to tackle that day yet. Let's go back to doctor black's session.

 
Doctor Black was my psychologist in Miami I saw on the low three times a week after I practically fled to Miami after the incident. She likes to analyse my entire relationship with Tre piece by piece and take me to my breaking point then tell me to cry it out. 

Crazy bitch. 

I hated crying! But these nightmares were off the wall. I woke up no matter how cold it was dripping sweat, trembling with my heart beating like I just ran a marathon. It didn't matter how the dream ended my body was just traumatized. Or maybe my brain was & my body just couldn't handle all the signals it was sending out.

Last nights dream? Tre and I were on the picnic he took me on the day I lost my virginity.  We were laughing and smiling and we looked so happy. Then he froze and his head slowly turned to dream me and before I knew it he was straddling dream me with a butcher knife in his hand and he stabbed and he stabbed screaming you ruined us you whore, you ruin everything! 

I swear I could still feel the knife pierce my skin. I could feel the blade rip as it was pulled out of my body and was re-entered in a different location. I still feel the gasp my body took as it took on the shock of the attack but you know what haunts me the most? The look in his eyes as the blood, my blood spattered all over his face with Every. Single. Stroke. It was almost artistic, the way the wounds were so close yet so far apart. So strategically placed that I would suffer yet I just couldn't black out. I was conscious, I felt, was aware of everything he was doing to me. As he spoke and told me my sins and why I deserved what was being done to me.  He leaned forward kissed my bloody lips before delivering the final stroke, and that he was doing this because he loved me. As the knife pierced my heart my eyes opened and I was back to reality. 

I really wish that I wasn't. I couldn't keep doing this! Why couldn't I just die when he stabbed me in my heart! I have to wake up and live with physical heart break again?
I tried to reiterate my dream to doctor Black in way less detail of course and I expect her to ask me the typical psychologist question. 

"How does that make you feel?" 

She doesn't. 

She shocks me, by asking me something I did not expect her to ask.

"Rayne why did you let Tre stab you repeatedly? Do you think you deserved to be stabbed over and over by someone who has hurt you so much?"

Whoa there doc. Deep question. I'm feeling guilty over here but how do I answer that?
Why would I just lay there and let him stab me over and over?
Well I'd pretty much let Tre do anything to me if it meant I got to keep him.
No. It's over forever. You swore to your mother and your best friends you would never go back. Plus, he ruined all chance of reconciliation when he brought his family into his dramatic suicide charade.
Sigh.
Who am I to call it a charade. The boy had issues. So do I? Maybe he was hurting but I knew and he knew he wasn't really trying to kill Himself. He cut just right for enough blood for a good show. No veins punctured. If he intended to die out there as an avid cutter he knew exactly what to do. No that wasn't his purpose, it was to destroy. To destroy me, guilt me for even daring to defy him. He was going to take what I did make it the reason for his show and destroy my name, put the blame on me and send me into spiraling depression. Who knew me better than Tre? No one but God. 

"I felt like I deserved it..." I replied to dr. Black. 

"Why do you feel like you deserved it Rayne?" 

She pushed on as she leaned forward in her chair.
I took a deep breath and I allowed the harsh truth to come out. 

"Because that's what he wants me to feel. It was the purpose of all this. I'm being punished and this is a part of it. I suffer because he says so. It's my fault because he says it is. I let him stab me because he's in control." I exhale and bite my lip at what I had just said. 

He's in control. Thousand of miles away dealing with his own issues he's in control. People looking at him as the broken victim of my whorish ways yet they don't realize he's the puppet master. 

"Why do you allow him to control you? Why don't you just take control back? Fight back Rayne! Why do you let him do what he does?"

I think back on every harsh thing he's said to me. Every choke. Every kiss. Every soft touch. Every piece of advice. Every laugh we shared. Every good morning beautiful. Every open the door I'm outside. Every sweet nothing. Every single  'snuggle bunny, baby bear,sponge bob, squidward ,noggy moment.  Yes I cringed at the nicknames as well. 

Then I know why. It's absolutely insane. It makes no sense to the normal person, well to anyone except a broken toxic addict. The latter would say what I've been telling myself.

Stupid. Stupid. So stupid. 

"I allow him to because he loves me."