6 Weeks Later💘
Of course I said yes but I think I wanna take it back.Being in Detroit is so new to me,even though they live in a nice community,it's still not safe.Trey's recovery was quicker than I expected it to be and him and Ar'mon been doing shows left and right here.I can barely walk but I try,I really do.I do everything,change diapers,feed her,bathe her and he comes here and catch attitudes.His mom helps me the best she can.Even his younger sisters hold her and stuff.I'm really tired right now.Every one in this house are very light sleepers so I stay up until Ar'mani goes to sleep.So the kids go to bed around nine so that's when I wake up and stay up with Ar'mani until the early morning hours when Mrs.Shiquita drops the kids off at day care.Then she goes to work and Trey be home for a hot minute and he gone.I don't think he cares about me but he should at least help me.I know it's hard but he can be here for his child...
I love Trey with all my heart but maybe we shouldn't be together?I've wanted to have his last name and be his officially.But I'm starting to realize that I can never have all of him.He's never gonna be here for me.The only reason I feel like I'm even back with him is because of guilt.I think I could've maybe got over him eventually and we could've worked co-parenting out.I think I need to tell him that I can't do this anymore.But at the same If I see another female near him,ima probably kill her.I thought the baby was gonna keep us together but it seems like we're growing farther apart.
I can't love him from a distance but I don't know how to love him when he's too close💔
Being so dependent on others right now is really fucking with my mental.i used to things to keep my mind off certain stuff but now that I just sit here,my thoughts pile up and have me thinking.I think about everything.
Life,Drugs,Death,Love,God,everything.
Trey is someone that I absolutely need.I love him to death and if he die,I die.If he fight,I fight.If he ride,I ride.He is my better half.But I honestly feel like we're on two differ mental mindsets and states.I'm too mature for him,in my honest opinion.He sees everything positive and all I can think about is negativity.The bad side of everything.The bad consequences.I would've been dead a long time ago,If positive people would've never stepped in.I really don't know what to do anymore.
I try to be positive for other people but can't do that for myself.So many people look into my life and think I'm happy but I'm dying on the inside.So many toxic people in my life that I just want God to remove right now.But he puts people in my life for a reason.But I feel like I need to cut the things and people that don't feed my happiness.
-starve your distractions, feed your focus🍒
Trey plays too many games for me.One day he loves me,the next day he don't talk to me.How he gone be my husband and he don't satisfy me.I mean well in one case he do but I don't wanna argue,break up, fuck, and everything Gucci again.I used to be so simple minded to think that I needed sex.Thats a whole "want" and not something I need.Its really distracting sometimes.My mind be on something else and I be wanting to talk to him and then my eyes lower and we end up fucking.It be good,but I don't want it anymore.I need to FOCUS on building a strong,healthy relationship built off trust and the love we share.
-I gave you everything what's mine is yours
See back when I used to be gay, I never really felt connected to those females.I would only talk them on and fuck.I grew tired of it and longed for someone who really loved me.When I let Trey go inside me,it was a different kinda feeling.It was feeling of closeness.Oh don't get me wrong,it hurt like hell.But when you trust someone enough the put their baby inside you,it's on a whole new level.He knows I feel about him but I can't have a serious conversation with him because of his personality.Trey knows I am his.He has seen all of me and knows all of me.All except for the most important part...
My Mental
-it's gone hurt me to hate you but loving you worst
All of these thoughts I'm having are the definition of mental weakness.I feel like I can never live without him.Thats really sad.I am not only becoming physically dependent but I'm becoming emotionally and mentally dependent on Trey.I fucking hate myself for feeling the way I feel.I don't need a man to make me happy,yet I do.
I'm so fucked up in the head.I hate when I have spare time because I can't stop thinking and then I be crying for unexplainable reasons.Trey always asking me what's wrong and I don't tell him.I push him away and blame him.I couldn't be in a relationship with me if I was him anyways.
-Go ahead and call me a coward and say that I'm not strong because I'm not like you.Go ahead and call me crazy cause I live in a maze tell me how bout you?I live in my head,sometimes I think that I'm dead.I hide behind my youth.I'm a little behind and I'm out of mind,step inside my shoes.Cause I never been happy with myself and ion need nobody feeling bad for.Trying to offer me pity and throw jabs at me.Wanna give me advice and then laugh at me behind closed doors.JUST CLOSE THE DOOR.Let me be by myself,just me and myself.Sometimes I live and cry and every season to die so I just cry to myself.It might sound crazy but I'm depressed as fuck,stressed as fuck.Ain't no medicine that cure me that's intense as drugs.I mean,I need extra love and that ain't even enough.That ain't even enough.Where the fuck is God?Maybe I ain't believing enough.I ain't picture my life like this.So I can smile like this and laugh like you.Sometimes I wonder if I act like you,can I finally fit in maybe and relax like whoo"
OR WOULD YOU FEEL LOST WITHOUT ME CAUSE HONESTLY I THINK THE WORLD IS BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME.
My mind spinning,this is the line finish.Truth is ion care how you feel about my feelings💔
-JLIM
