Hurt ♥ A Niall Horan Fan Fiction

Chapter 6

I walked along the street. Just in the middle. It wasn't really a busy street, but I also couldn't care less if I got ran over. I think I already gave up trying to forget my past and start acting like myself. I had just felt so hopeless and frustrated with everything.

 I had worn my fluffy jacket I had gotten from a lovely store. It brought me warmth, and since the rain was gone it was a bit warmer. The sun was out, but it didn't do much of anything. The air was still really crisp, and chilly.

I had no thoughts on my mind just the constant buzzing in my ears. It's like that type of loud buzzing that happens when it's so silent that it's so loud in your ears. You get me? It kind of hurt in a way, but it was almost louder than my thoughts.

I was thinking about how I now needed to forget the bad past, and let in the new. It needed to happen but I want to see my memories. How many times have I said I'm weak? Probably a lot; I break too easily. I give up, and that's one thing that's not going to stop ever.

My grandma lives in a small town next to Dublin, and I need to visit her today and get my old pictures and drawings that she kept. My dad agreed to take me other there, since I still don't have my driving license or permit. It was a Saturday and I needed to make the most of it. I would usually stay at home on my computer looking at random things and go on tumblr, and waste my life. But I needed to get out there. I also wanted to visit my grandma.

I started to think of how Niall felt about me, and what he did. I don't know if he honestly feels bad but if he does I don't know if I want to forgive him. There is no way of telling if he doesn't, but I'd have to forgive him either way. I just hope he does care and will never hurt anybody like that ever again.

I started to turn around to walk back to my house. I wanted to think about school for a second. I wanted to think about Luke. I wonder how he feels. Does he still care about me? Am I just another girl for him to fuck? Am I just another toy to him? I bet that's all I am to him. He hangs out with the wrong type of people and there is no telling how much influence they have on him.

I stuck my headphones in and put on the song Dead and Gone. It calmed me a little bit, it also made me realize the old me is dead and gone. The next song turned to Nothing by The Script. I love this song, I always sang along with it. But in this situation I'm not going to sing out loud. 

Now that I'm facing the sun, on my way home my eyes were burning. I'm not used to it. All I could about was of how I should have brought my sunglasses. Great going Tessa. I pulled on my hood, and looked down. This helped a bit but not much.

I hope dad will want to bring me to grandmas.

Kids started to come out to enjoy the sun. It was probably the only time they are going to see it in a while. I feel happy for them. Enjoying the nice weather, that only comes once in a long while.

 I finally decided to take off my jacket to enjoy the weather. The air felt nice at least, I felt as if my skin was breathing. Actually breathing!

I opened the door to my house and called for my dad. "Dad, can we go to grandmas?" I say standing by the doorway.

He comes down the stairs and smiles. "Sure, let's go."

He grabs the car keys and we head out of the city.

It was a thirty minute drive until we got there, and once we did we knocked on the door.

Grandma answered and pulled me into a tight hug, with a huge kiss followed by it.

"You've grown so much." She says with a smile. I smiled, and said I missed her.

She invited us in and let's just say the visit was quite long.

I left with all of my old drawings and my journals. She even found my old jewelry box which I never thought existed anymore. The box was quite big, and inside it had a small jewelry box. I can't remember much of what I last put in it, there would obviously be jewelry, but I do remember there being some other things. My memories of living here as a child were vague, because soon after we moved to North America.

I also had pictures of my childhood and various drawings from school. I had a bunch of scribbly drawings when I didn't know the concept of drawing birds or heads or bodies. The bodies were usually triangles and circle hands and feet. I think that's how most kids start out drawing. That was my childhood and I appreciated it.

School was the only part of it I hated. I needed my memories back of my happiness. When we got home I went up to my room and closed the door behind me. I set the box up on the bed, and sat down with it.

I pulled out the old journal and jewelry box, I wasn't going to read the journal now just because I knew it would make me repress old feelings I didn't want to repress. I opened the jewelry box, and inside were a couple of necklaces and bracelets made of beads.  I emptied the small box and saw a small opening in the bottom, and something shiny in it. I pulled the bottom out and under it was a bunch of old blades I used to use. I slowly took a breath in and out trying to control myself.

I put the bottom back in and the jewelry back in the box, shut it and left the room quickly.

I didn't do much the rest of the day except for watch cartoons on Netflix with Karmin and eat a bunch of snacks that filled my stomach making me feel shitty.

When dinner came up my mother and father just got Nando's, and gave us our food. We put them on plates just to make it feel more like we made it, and dug in. I didn't eat much I just stared at the plate and played with the food.

Fat! You're fat!

After I washed my plate and went upstairs and made my bed and set the box in the closet, and went to bed. I didn't know what to do with the blades so I just left them where I found them. Slowly, I fell asleep.