euphoria / jjk

if it's you

the stress spreads through my mind like ink on paper. i took in a deep, ragged breath before placing my hands, enclosed together, onto the table. jeongguk looks up at me with desperation in his eyes, - slightly hopeful as he waited for me to speak. my mind was a chaotic mess at the very moment, my mouth is dryer than a sandbox in summer.

"jeongguk, i don't know." i say, slightly tearing up. i didn't want him to leave, but i also didn't want to leave with him. each passing moment only leads to the next, the air around us feels heavier than usual.

jeongguk remains silent. his door is always open and so is mine, so why is it always i that must walk to him? i have always been a giver than a taker; i have always given too much to people who didn't deserve an ounce of my love. he isn't one of them, though. no, he never was. i can't give much yet, i'm still too empty. it's like a void. a dark void. a never ending dark void that consumes everything, so you're left feeling nothing. numb; like letting yourself completely drown in an ocean of freezing cold water because you know there's no way out. the emptiness is always there; i consider myself decent at hiding it.

"was it fun watching me suffer? did it give you a buzz of power when i cried and begged for you to not leave me that day? don't answer. i don't want to listen to what you have to say anymore, eunji. you knew it was wrong and you did it regardless, you knew you were falling out of love with me too. slowly and gradually, you were messed up just as i was. so don't play innocent and act like you weren't only with me because you felt sympathetic towards me." jeongguk half-yelled, with a hint of annoyance and an edge of bitterness in his voice.

there was something in that shout, a pain behind it. i could just stand there as i felt my heart drop, his words hitting me like a ton of bricks. i see him. i do. i see pain in those eyes, yet i also see love. when he looks up at me, i can tell he's just one step away from breaking down. so i step up now or lose him forever, i have to show him that i would die for him, suffer for him, yet ultimately, live for him.

it is truly amazing how every time someone feels emotional pain, it doesn't hurt as a cut or a bruise would. it's just this heavy feeling. your head spins and it's as if your tongue feels too big for your mouth. you feel the need to wipe away non-existent tears that you want to form but they won't.

"do you even know what you've done to me? do you have any remorse? i know i messed up by having feelings for her but were you any better? and even after all this, i can't help but being in love with you. crazy, isn't it?" jeongguk speaks, running his hand through his already-messed up hair with a mocking laugh.

"sadness. an emotion i never understood. why should we be sad over things that already happened? after all, there's no point. but unfortunately, when you get sad, it's like getting stabbed repeatedly without dying, with the tears that stung like bees. i know because i experienced it, each night when you came back from your "hang outs" with her. she was all you ever talked about, even if you say you don't feel that way towards her anymore, in your heart you know you still do. and it's okay, because i know i can never be her but don't say i fell out of love with you." i said, finally speaking my heart out.

the look on jeongguk's face is heart-wavering, like a little boy with a lost expression when his mother refuses to buy him candy. perhaps, he's still too shocked to say anything further so i take that chance to continue.

"i had been aware of my love for you since we were 16, i had vowed to love you even if it meant losing myself. the fuel of new romance should only be passionate, loving and happiness. - never the fear of being alone. you didn't let me grow strong, let me loose that fear. but here i am, a year later, standing in front of you. the same me, just a little more strong." i pause, walking closer to him with tears dripping down my cheeks. "just loving myself a little more now. finally accepting my flaws and weaknesses, for they are also a part of me; a part of me that i shouldn't just abandon. sure, leaving wasn't such a good thing for you but it turned out to be something good for me. can't you see i have finally found myself?" i said, my voice quivering yet a smile was still on my face as i saw his face twist into different kinds of expressions.

"i know, i know you've grown stronger than ever. i could see it ever since i saw you in that coffee shop. it's just that, i used to be happy. yeah, past tense. sucks, i know and what the hell was i supposed to do with that? feel happy? i-i didn't. then i met you, after so long i finally found a way back to you and goddamn, i have never felt more happy in my life then in these past few days. please, just don't leave me again. shit, it hurts my ego so much to say this again because it almost feels ironic." jeongguk spoke and stood up, grabbing my hand softly. "i love you so much and i would do anything to win you back, just please give me another chance."

the corners of my mouth lift up, causing a smile to spread across my face as i wrap my arms around him. he had no idea how much i had wanted to hear those words, how much i kept dying to hear them say those words again. his embrace was warm, and his big, strong arms seemed very protective when wrapped around my frail body. the world around me melted away and i didn't want the moment to end.

for i will hold onto him until our last breaths, until our knees give away and all that's left is our bones in ashes.