euphoria / jjk

unseen efforts

dear jeongguk,

i saw you today, near the park we used to go. i must say, the girl clutching your arm was indeed very beautiful. people usually downgrade but you surely didn't. it rained again in busan, i stupidly took ahold of my umbrella and went down by that road again. i realized i made a mistake as soon as i did though, because there you stood in glory. with her.

i stopped in my tracks, the umbrella slipped from my hands and to the ground. standing infront of me, about a few meters afar, there you were. looking happier than ever, holding the girl's hand tightly and the other hand gripping the handle of the umbrella to support you both.

my watery eyes landed on her, her golden hair cascaded down her shoulders and shining eyes gazed up at you. the same way i used to look at you.

i wiped my tears, looking away. i had no right to be sad or to cry after all, i was the one who broke your heart. hurriedly, i picked up the fallen umbrella to cover my drenched hair and clothes. i was shivering like a maniac as i walked towards my apartment in a rush. i tried to get the image of her and you out of my head but it seemed to play over and over in my head like a video on loop.

i walked as fast as my legs could take me, closing my apartment's door shut with a slam. i leaned against the door frame as a sob escaped from my mouth. the second sob. then i was a sobbing mess, i felt disgusting in my clothes which were sticking to my skin.

i knew i had no right to be upset, i knew it was your human right to find someone you deserve. i had ended it so why did i feel miserable? after seeing you, all i wanted to do was to run into your arms and tell you that i missed you, so much.

but you and i both knew it was toxic, jeongguk. i felt suffocated, i felt like i could never be myself around you but at the same time i craved for your presence. i know it makes me sound like a psychopath but you knew i was never good at expressing my feelings.

was i a machine? you expected me to be always there for you at the oddest times. and what about me? when were you ever there for me? i was tired of you dismissing my problems like i had the perfect life and nothing could go wrong in it.

why was it that even though i made most of the effort, you got to have all the credit?

a/n !
hi everyone, this chapter was a bit too angsty but i promise there will be happy chapters too. and don't be a ghostreader, please comment and vote. it motivates me and makes me happy. :)

-m 🍯