Rats in the Pipes

12: Chopped on the Spot

Mik was white faced and anxious when we'd finally got back. We told him I had fallen down the scaler. Once Mik was convinced I was all right and not going to die or disappear like his sister Ben took him upstairs and settled him on the sleeping platform. Then he came down and pulled out the couch into a bed. He cursed for not thinking to bring some of my bedding because he had no spares but I reassured him it was too hot to need any. He smothered me in Ezal cream and gave me two more painkillers. I didn't get much sleep. Every bit of my body throbbed with the exception of my head which had been protected by my helmet and my where my boots had covered my legs below the knee. I was a mass of bruising. They must have stamped on my hands while I was unconscious. At first the tablets took the edge off the pain and I think I dozed for a bit. When they wore off I resisted taking any more. They are highly addictive. Lots of people have a problem with them. They have an accident or illness and can't afford proper treatment so end up addicted to pain killers. Another way that the City makes money. In the end I spent part of the night standing up reading since that was more comfortable than lying or sitting. Marcus Aurelius meditations helped calm the tendency of my thoughts to churn round in circles posing questions which I had no possibility of answering. It is impossible to be happy in Esperance but one can at least endure with fortitude. I have not been broken by what has happened and am not afraid of what is about to happen. By the time Ben got up I almost believed it.

He came down the ladder yawning hugely and looking like he could do with several more hours sleep. I grinned at him

"You look rough."

"I look rough? You need to look in the mirror." He busied himself heating water and I finally gave in to the need to have a pee. It was every bit as painful as I thought it might be. When I came out Ben gave me a searching look "Any blood?"

I shook my head "The uniform is designed to give quite a lot of protection. It saved me from the worst effects."

"Except where they removed it to administer a spragging. Fucking pipe rats. What I want to know is who set you up? In normal circumstances you'd expect it to take a couple of days for them to realise your shift had switched. You didn't even start your first patrol."

"Don't go there. I spent quite a lot of time stopping my brain chasing questions like that. There are no answers. In Esperance things happen. We never know why. We have no means of finding out. Maybe Toms just got so pissed off with me he finally decided to get rid of me or maybe he had nothing to do with it. Who knows? What happens to us is the result of fate. We can't avoid it. We just have to put our energies into what we can control and not worry about what we can't. I try to accept good and bad without emotion."

"Rat crap! I take it that means you didn't care about Hedd? Just reason dictated it was a good thing to let him fuck you?"

"No that's not true! I loved Hedd. How can you accuse me of that?" It hurt that he thought my relationship with Hedd had been calculating and based on my own advantage. I turned away and went back to the couch before I said anything else. Ben came over and stood in front of me. I looked up ready to continue the argument but he smiled and handed me a Kaftee.

"Stoicism is all very well but don't let it fool you into thinking you're the plaything of fate. Don't try to be unemotional. The best thing about life even in Esperance is our ability to feel joy and pain. They want us to turn in on ourselves. To disconnect and endure because nothing else is possible. It's not true. Friendship and love are the most important things we can have. They can't stop us having those things. We are free to make those choices despite the system. Believe it Per. Believe that it is possible to have a fulfilling life despite everything that oppresses us. Believe that it is possible to be happy. I can't say I've never felt despair and misery but I refuse to accept that it is impossible to change things. Fuck the elite." He grinned " You should eat something. And I need to get my arse in gear and go be oppressed by Dom. I don't think." He rolled his eyes and waved his hands as though he was conducting an orchestra. I started laughing but it hurt my ribs so I stopped. That is Ben, vibrant, joyful and ever so slightly insane.