Camila died the day after her first dance.
She wore black to the funeral and didn't say a word, didn't shed a tear, didn't even dare to speak her name. She couldn't remember it. Her ink was still on her pale skin when she got home, when she closed the bathroom door, when she filled the bath.
Only then did she allow herself to break. Nothing really seemed important anymore, basically because it wasn't. Finally, on Sunday, she emerged from her room. She passed by the brunette's door without a second glance, trudged downstairs with her school bag thrown over her shoulder, and told her dad that she was okay with the fakest smile that ever played on her lips. She drove numbingly to Susan's and pretended everything was normal.
The coffee on the table was ice cold as if she hadn't touched it, her heart dropped when she saw a certain brunette who she didn't want to see. Lucy took note of her appearance instantly: dark circles under her eyes which were red and swollen already, her gaze trained down on the table. She never looked at the girl approaching.
"I heard what happened..." Lucy tried but she didn't want to hear her sympathy. She didn't want the brunette to be here at all.
Lauren didn't want to talk and the easiest way to tell her that was by doing exactly that; not talking.
Lucy didn't know what to say at this point, honestly contemplating leaving the cafe. The whole point of this was that she felt horrible and she was just trying to be a better person.
"And I'm sorry," she says quietly. Yet the raven-haired girl didn't want it.
Lucy bites the inside of her cheek and looks around the small cafe nervously. An idea sprung in her head and she reaches out for the girl across the table, curling her fingers around the pale hand. That seems to immediately grab her attention.
"Camila was an amazing person, she was–"
"Don't try and pretend like you knew her," Lauren scolds, yanking her hand out from her grasp. Finally, her blazing green eyes found her own, an enraged look on her face yet she remained oddly calm.
"Don't you dare come here and sit in her place and try to talk about how amazing she is..." She stops to correct herself, "how amazing she was."
Lucy was in shock, her mouth slightly hung open to add to the fact. The Cuban stands without another word, snatching her keys from the table before storming off. Lucy didn't even try to follow her. Lauren had never gone back to Susan's on a Sunday.
"Hey dad," Lauren attempts to smile for her father but ended up with a constipated look on her face. The man sighs at the dining room table, briefly glancing up at his daughter before looking back at his papers. Lauren shrugs off her jacket and throws her keys onto the kitchen counter, sitting down in a chair across from her father.
"How are you feeling today?" the man asks while taking off his reading glasses for a break. The girl shakes her head, then bites her lip and bobs her knee in an up and down motion. It all seemed to come back to her, attacking her in this one instantaneously moment and she brought a hand to her mouth to cover it.
"Did it hurt–?" She takes a deep breath before continuing, "Did it hurt this much wh-when mom...?" The girl broke, her father quickly rounding the table to hug Lauren. She accepted the embrace without question, allowing herself to cry over the girl for only a second time.
She didn't go to school for another day and somehow word got around as to why. So when she did come back, the whole school seemed to stop and stare at her. There probably was a permanent indentation in her cheek where her teeth gnawed at her skin. She kept her head up, walking to her locker like it was any other day.
"So, I was talking to Normani the other day about..." she thanked God every day for blessing her with Dinah, talking about anything other than Camila unless Lauren wanted to, and that made her feel at least a little better. As she was rambling on, Normani came up behind her and wrapped her arms around the caramel waist. Yes, that's right, they were officially a couple. No more Friday date nights or awkward kisses. For once, Lauren actually smiled, in fact, she laughed.
The action made Dinah laugh as well as she struggled to get the rest of her story out while Normani just stood there in embarrassment. It felt... normal.
As Lauren got home that afternoon with her backpack weighing down filled with geometry books that she would no longer be able to understand, her father was surprisingly on the couch. Usually, Mr. Jauregui wasn't home, somehow Lauren knew it had to deal with her wellbeing.
"How was school?" the man asked his daughter who kicked off her shoes. She considered the question for a moment.
"Slightly less depressing than I thought it would be," Lauren answers with a small chuckle. Mr. Jauregui rolls his eyes with a smile and Lauren jogs upstairs, past the forbidden room, past the second forbidden room as well and straight into her own. There she forgot about her school work, carelessly tossing her bag before falling into her bed as she landed on something hard. She had face planted directly against her notebook; her dictionary full of wonderful words.
There was nothing else to do, so why the hell not? She skimmed through the pages until turning to the last few. The words that Camila had written down.
Storge: an affectionate love that slowly develops from friendship
Eros: a passionate physical and emotional love based on aesthetic enjoyment; stereotypical bullshit
Why was there another page? Lauren furrowed her perfect eyebrows, the paper wrinkling as she flipped it to reveal a whole nother page full of words written in same loopy handwriting.
Love: the girl with beautiful emerald eyes
Lauren smiles and bites her tongue to keep herself from getting too worked up so soon. Because there, in the last few pages of her dictionary, existed the last part of Camila Cabello she would ever see.
Love is no longer an emotion, but a girl. A girl with beautiful emerald eyes that could light up an entire world. Whose lips were cherry and skin so soft. Who carried my smile around in her pocket like some sort of treasure.
How do I even start this Lauren, when I cannot put into words how much I want to thank you. You gave me everything and there is no other way to put it. I never really thought about what love was until now but I don't really think that's what you feel. Maybe it's actually a person you know.
Love is the girl you gave me my first and last kiss. The girl who skipped a whole week of school just to sleep on a hospital floor. Who tried to make me laugh even when it hurt, who kissed my lips though they tasted like copper, who broke down on a chair when my door was closed... yeah... Andrea told me about that. I've been thinking a while now about how to say goodbye. I know that you're going to leave my room today with an uncertain smile and an "I'll be back tomorrow" even though we both knew you wouldn't.
Because dancing in this room tonight, we both felt it. And I hate to say this but, I no longer need you to keep me floating in the bath. I don't need you to bring me more books while I lie in bed. And love?
It's the most amazing thing I've ever felt and I was so fortunate to have shared it with you. Because love is a little shy at first but after that, it's a deathly kind of thing.
And hey, I promise...
-
and that's the end as emotional as it is
bye
[edited on july 17, 2019]
also, happy one year to this harrowing story. i honestly can't believe that it's even been a year. but i thank each and every one of you for voting and commenting and even ghost-reading. i love going back and reading your comments—even if a majority of them are just downright depressing; they're still there. so thanks for everything i guess
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