If I Could Fly

A walk

"So, Harry, you wanted to talk?" I ask, looking up at him from my lunch.

"Yeh, just wanted to catch up with you ya know? I feel like I've missed so much"

"Where do you want me to start?" I ask,  he's not wrong when he says he's missed out on a lot, and I honestly don't know where to start myself

"I don't know like, where do you work, how's the family, that kind of stuff. When did you come back to England anyway?"

"I actually came back the day after I called you that night... that's kind of... erm... why I called you in the first place really... I was supposed to be at the bar with Zayn but he ran off with Liam so I tried calling you." I say, tense at the memory of that awful evening. "Erm... yeh... then that happened and I was angry and very much alone, so I followed this girl home and... yeh... now I have Freddie. It was stupid I know... like, really, really stupid but..." a small sniffle from across the table breaks me out of my awkward rambling, and I look up only to be met by Harry's with tears in his eyes.

"Haz, are you ok?" I ask, eyeing him carefully. "Do you want to go on a walk for a bit?" I ask softly.

He nods his head, and I get up to pay for our lunch before heading out of the bakery and towards the patch of Greenland opposite. In the green there's a small forest with a path winding through. It's one of my favourite places to be, it's always quiet and calm so I figure it's the best place for Harry right now. We cross the road together, strolling side by side in the cold crisp November air.

"I'm so sorry Lou, you know that right?" Harry asks weakly

"Yes. I just need you to make me believe it Harry." I reply in honesty. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm not afraid of being honest.

Nothing good ever came out of lies or hiding the truth so I don't see why I should start that now. "Just don't do it again." I add quietly " I don't know if I can take it" I whisper, mostly to myself.

After I got home all those years ago, I fell into my first round of depression. Both of my best friends were in America- Liam was visiting Zayn for a few months, and Harry had gone for good.
Then I found out about Eleanor being pregnant with Freddie and I thought my life was over. I isolated myself from my family, gave up studying to become a teacher and did nothing but smoke, drink, and sleep.

Things got better for a while when Freddie came along but then my mother was diagnosed with cancer. She passed a few months later and I relapsed into a much darker depression, much worse than the first time.

I shiver, thinking about how bad of a state it'd gotten into before I realised that Freddie and my sisters were all I had left, and I've dedicated my life since to them, and I'd do anything to protect them.

We come to a stop on the wooden bridge over the pond and I lean against the wet railing, looking down into the water below.

"I used to come here all the time when I was younger, when it was just me and my mom. We'd play knights and have epic sword fights with sticks. It was one of her favourite places" I say softly, tracing patterns into the soft wood with my finger nail.

"...was?"

"... we found out she had cancer- leukaemia- a few months after Freddie was born and... she... erm... she passed away a few months later" my throat feels tight with tears, and I swallow, fighting them with all my might. I take a shuddering breath.
Harry wraps me into his arms and I bury my face into his neck, swallowing hard again, hoping I don't cry.
It's been years since I last cried about mum but something about being in such a special place makes it much harder to talk about.

I take in another series of shaky shallow breaths, but then Harry whispers "it's ok to cry Lou, let it out" by my ear and I break down, heaving heavy sobs into his neck.
I feel fragile, and small, but I let the emotion out, the hurt, the anger, the depression, everything, and Harry is warm and safe and he holds me tightly just like I've craved so badly since the day I left and since everything changed.

We stand like that, wrapped up in each other until I can finally breathe again without sobbing and there's a big wet patch on the collar of Harry's jumper and I'm probably a mess of red blotchy cheeks and swollen eyes so when Harry pulls back I stare at my beaten up vans like they're the most interesting thing I've even seen.

"I'm sorry" I croak, voice wrecked from crying so much but he holds my chin, softly tilting my face up to look into his as he brushes his thumbs under my eyes, wiping away a couple of stray tears.

He hasn't stepped back yet though and he's so close I can see every eyelash lining his emerald eyes, and the faint lines on the soft skin by his temple where it dimples when he smiles extra widely, and he's so beautiful he takes my breath away. And then he glances down at my lips and licks his own and I want to kiss him, god I want to kiss him but not yet, not yet. So I step back, and clear my throat and blush. Again. I seem to spend a lot of my time with Harry crying, and blushing, and I can't decide whether it's a good thing or not.
Before I can debate it some more though he smiles down at me, and slings his arm around my shoulder, turning me around as we continue our slow walk.