If I Could Fly

When Harry comes back into the room, he has a guitar in hand, grasped in a gentle hold and painted nails. It's designed like a galaxy, beautiful really, like a piece of art in its-self.

I watch as he pulls a stool over to sits opposite us, placing his guitar on his thigh after getting comfortable. I solely avoid the eye-contact that he tries to initiate in the process.

"Woah" Freddie gasps and gets up from beside me, tracing the purple and blue swirls on the with his pointer finger. "It's really pretty" he comments, voice hushed in awe.

"The prettiest." Harry replies, but his gaze never wavers, set firmly on me "Would you like to sing If I Could Fly with me?" he adds after a pause

"Yes please!" Freddie exclaims, blissfully unaware of the tension held in the room.

"Come back here little one, you can rest against me if you're tired" I say, watching his eyelids falling more with every passing second.

"Okay Daddy" He replies and snuggles his head against my chest. He lets out an enormous yawn as he does, fisting his little eyes with the balls of his hands.
He'll be asleep before the song is even through.

Harry plays softly, like you would play a lullaby to a new-born, grazing the strings with the tips of his fingers, rings glinting in the low light.

I study them as a distraction that holds little of my attention, my focus pinned solely to everything that's not being said, the whispers of the past and the impending future.

"If I could fly..."
"I'd be coming right back home to you..."

He sings, and I swallow around the lump that's found home in the back of my throat.

" I think I might...
Give up everything just ask me to...
Pay attention I hope that you listen...
Cuz I let my guard down...
Right now I'm completely defenceless..."
The lyrics resonate within me, and I feel my eyes flitter up to his without my permission. I find green and drown.
"For your eyes only...
I'll show you my heart...
For when you're lonely...
And forget who you are...
I'm missing half of me...
When we're apart...
Now you know me...
For your eyes only..."

He's singing so gently, so perfectly, staring right at me, the perfect contrast of lost and found, loved and left, light and dark. I look down, studying my hands clasped together around Freddie, smiling lightly when I realise that he's now sound asleep against me.

"I've got scars...
Even though they can't always be seen...
And pain gets hard...
Now you're here and I don't feel a thing..."

My eyes sting before I remind them not to, and I try to forget . Its in the meanings that are hidden in the lyrics, the metaphors that I pretend are written just for me.

"Pay attention I hope that you listen...
Cuz I let my guard down...
Right now I'm completely defenceless..."
I glance up to see that he has tears in his eyes too, staring through me like he can see the hurt that I'm feeling.
"For your eyes only I show you my heart...
For when you're lonely and forget who you are...
I'm missing half of me when we're apart...
Now you know me for your eyes only...

I can feel your heart inside of mine, I feel it, I feel it...
I've been going out of my mind, I feel it, I feel it...
Know that I'm just wasting time
And I hope that you don't run from me..."

I'm crying now, the tears flowing down my face and I bunch my sleeve up, swiping them away with haste, hoping he won't notice but I know he has, I can still feel his eyes on my face.

"For your eyes only, I'll show you my heart...
For when you're lonely and forget who you are...
I'm missing half for me when we're apart...
Now you know me, for your eyes only...

For your eyes only, I'll show you my
heart...
For when you're lonely and forget who you are...
I'm missing half for me when we're apart...
Now you know me, for your eyes only...
For your eyes only...
For your eyes only..."

The last chord rings out and then all that can be heard is shallow breaths and the sniffing which I'm trying too hard to disguise, and I know it's only making it more obvious. My heads stuck on a broken train of thought- all why's, and how's and what's that I can't decipher.

We sit in silence for what feels like an eternity, or a second, or somewhere in the middle, stuck in a limbo of time and emotion.

Then he stands suddenly, moving his guitar to one side, but I don't lift my head to follow the movement, I keep my head down. Down in fear, submission, uncertainty. I don't know if I'm still breathing.

"Hey" He whispers softly, and I circle my thumbs. He sits next to me on the sofa, and I soak up his warmth, even though I fake nonchalance.

He wraps an arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his chest and I stiffen at first, but it's too safe, too familiar, feels too much like home. I relax.

"Hey, it's ok" he whispers into my hair, and shouldn't this be where I make him explain? Shouldn't I be angry? I can't make myself feel what I should be. I scrunch my palms into fists, but then he speaks, quiet and fragile.

"I'm sorry Lou, I'm so, so sorry. I was so stupid, selfish, immature. You were my best friend, the best thing that ever happened to me. I should never have- shouldn't have done so many things. I was so stupid. So god damn stupid. I'm sorry" he stutters out, and I can feel his heart clenching his breathing stutter, I know he's crying.

And I know he's telling the truth.

I don't know what to say for a moment, so I lean my head against his chest, using my free arm to wrap around his broad frame.

I forget about my anger, my frustration, the hurt and pull him close to me, he brings his arm around my torso, tightening his hold on me in turn. We stay like this for a long time, until our breathing evens out and I'm calm again.

I feel light, like ten tonnes has been lifted off my shoulders, and I trust him. I might be crazy, but I trust him.

"Just don't fuck it up this time" I mutter and he sucks in a deep breath and pulls me even closer.

"Thank you" he breathes out shakily and it feels a little like hope.