The Keeper of Wickets

Maybe he didnt want to be heard

"England are in mourning after the sudden loss of loved English fast bowler George Squire this morning. Squire was found unconscious in the Lords cricket ground change rooms in the early hours of the morning after what's said to be greatest game he has ever played. After taking 8 for 7 during the fifth day of the year against India, winning England the match, Squire was last seen happily celebrating with fellow team mates, family members and english crew members. England Cricket coach Matthew Long, spoke out emotionally this evening." The news reporter informs.

"This has been one of the greatest tragedies that England cricket has faced. We all thought very highly of George, he was everyone's friend and a valued member of our team. He always gave his everything and the lifted all his team mates up so they could do the same. He bowled at 165 clicks, some of the fastest anyone has ever had to deal with, he played the game with such a different demeanour, and he was such an interesting and admirable person. We're grateful to have had such a brilliant person as a part of our family and now it is time that we help all the other members of this family get through this awful stage in all of our lives. Rest easy my fellow Yorkshire lad, may your smile continue to shine."

I switch off the television and let out a sigh, my hands resting on my bulging belly.

Lou kisses my cheek, before pressing his forehead against my temple.

"I don't think I can do this." I whisper, clutching to the Polaroid of George and I with our arms across each other's shoulders and baggy blues lodged on our heads.

"Yes you can, Kate my love this is you're brother they're all out there for. Hundreds of people want to say goodbye to your brother. He gave you so much, he gave you love, support, happiness and guidance and he least you can do is read his farewell." He explains.

"But I don't want to say goodbye." I sniff.

"I know my girl but you've got to let him rest." Lou explains, I nod slowly  as he guides me out to my seat.

-

"I would now like to welcome George's fiancé Clara." The priest announces.

Clara stands proudly, but her eyes are red and her lips are quivering. Her face is pale and I can tell her heart is broken, just like mine.

"He was everything I ever hoped for. He made me feel like every day was summer, with warmth and life. Like I could never be unhappy, like my whole world revolved around our love. I never thought I could love someone as much as I do George, I didn't think it was possible or I was capable, turns out he loves me so much he wanted to marry me, have a life with me, start a family, play cricket and just be us. Well, I guess the world is a funny place and treats all of us so very different. I didn't think I'd ever lose my George, his smile, his Yorkshire twang, his powerful bowling, his gently kiss and loving hugs. I'm not going to talk anymore, because George knows how much I love him, you all know how much we love each other and you don't need a speech to know I miss him. So, here's his sister, Kate." She steps from the podium, crying.

"'I wish I wasn't here today. I wish I was back in London playing cricket with him. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be living this but I am. I have to stand here and tell you that my brother was selfish enough to take his own life? He was selfish enough to pass his pain onto us, to let us live in confusion. I can guarantee every single one of us are questioning ourselves and regretting the things we never did, I certainly am. Did I call him enough? Did I tell him I loved him? Damn I wish I came over for his birthday. For god sake, I've known this lad my whole life, I ask him how he was he'd say he's fine and i would believe him, you think I'd know when he was lying, no, I had no clue. Now here he is lying in a coffin. Here comes another question, why couldn't I tell? I have to say goodbye to my brother and I don't want to!  He was scared of the dark, yet here we are burying him six feet in the ground, it doesn't get much darker than that. George my darling brother, I don't know what I'm going to do without you, without your smile, without those late night phone calls till 4 in the morning, without those good lucks or those I'll seeya tomorrow, or the I'm so proud of you's. I have other siblings that will always be four of my best friends but there was always six of us, it's just not gonna be the same without our George. All the best big brother, i love you and hope you're smiling now.' I step down from the podium with a heart so heavy I swear it has
turned to stone. Tears are trickling down my face like rivers of emotion. I can't work out why he'd do such an awful thing, why he passed his pain onto us when he said he never wanted hurt us.

Lou takes my hand, "I love you Katie." He mutters.

"I love you Lou." I rest my head against his shoulder, I close my eyes and wonder what George would be thinking of all of this.

His fiancé, sisters, brother, parents, friends, team mates, coach, international friends, his fans all so distraught. Suicide steals absolutely everything, it doesn't hold back. One day they're there the next they're not. I wonder how many people knew George was sad, I wonder if he spoke out.

Maybe he didn't want to be heard.