The Bad Boy Computer Programmer At Wattpad

THE FUNTARIO

"Why would I owe you a bag of ketchup chips?"

"Are you going to take the deal or not?" Sloth demanded.

Mouth shook his fists towards the table and chanted. "Take the deal. Take the deal. Take the deal."

"What if she's not a weirdo?" Ian questioned again.

"Then you have a nice chat with a woman." Sloth motioned to the waitress on the other side of the room to bring a couple more shots of tequila by holding up his empty glass and pointing to it. "It would be good practice for you."

"Good practice for what?"

"Talking to women! It'll give you some extra confidence the next time you arrange an OKCupid date with--a rocket scientist."

Ian contemplated the offer for a moment before agreeing to the terms. "Fine. But what if you dishonor the deal?"

"If I dishonor the deal--." Sloth shoved a couple fries dripping with gravy into his mouth. "If I break my word--you get my first edition Star Wars comic book."

Mouth gasped. "The mint condition, 35 cent variant?"

Sloth nodded. "That's the one."

Shit--got--real. The Star Wars comic was one of Sloth's most prized possessions. He would never use the comic for collateral if his words weren't as serious as Montezuma's revenge.

"You've got yourself a deal." Ian reached his hand across the table and Sloth shook it. He was about to say something sarcastic to Ian when front door of the Funtario opened. Sloth froze. A person with emo style accented with a biker edge--or the biker style of someone who rides an emu--walked into the bar.

"It's Aleem," Sloth whispered, still gripping Ian's hand.

"He scares me," Mouth said.

Sloth ripped his hand from Ian's grasp and placed it on his belly. "Aleem's a female, you idiot! Brilliant--BRILLIANT--software developer!"

"Dude," Mouth argued. "That's a dude."

Sloth massaged his bellybutton hole through his t-shirt with his finger. "Data, explain to Mouth Aleem is a woman."

Ian glanced over his shoulder at Aleem then back at his friends. His eyes flashed back and forth between Sloth and Mouth. Truth be told, Ian wasn't positive if Aleem was a she--or he. Instead of answering the question, he focused on Sloth's hand massaging something below the table. "What the hell are you doing?"

"It's a comfort thing from childhood," Sloth explained, pulling his finger out of his bellybutton and patting his gut. "I do it when I get nervous. Most of the time I don't realize I'm going it."

"Aleem makes you nervous?" Ian asked. Sloth didn't respond, but he could see the answer in his eyes. "Maybe you need some practice. It'll be good for you."

"Some practice doing what?"

"Some practice talking to--Aleem." Before Sloth fully understood what was about to happen, Ian waved his hand in the air and shouted. "Aleem!"

"Bro!" Sloth hissed. "What are you doing?"

Sloth watched in terror as Aleem approached the table, as if in slow motion. Mouth watched in confusion as he--she--approached. "Totally a dude," Mouth whispered seconds before Aleem stood next to their table.

"Team Goonies," Aleem greeted. "I'm glad I ran into you. We need to set up a time to meet. Sooner than later."

Sloth massaged the inside of his bellybutton. Mouth's shoulders rose up to his ears. "Are we in trouble--sir?" Aleem's eyes twitched, glancing down at the subtle motion of Sloth's half-hidden arm.

"Is this in regards to the email you sent about coming together to discuss ways to make the website more reflective of Wattpad's mission?" Ian asked.

Aleem regarded Ian with a smile. "Yes. Can you send me an email sometime this week so we can set up a time to meet?"

"Will do."

The eyebrows on Aleem's face arched ever so slightly, prompting Sloth to slap his palms on the tabletop. Aleem nodded at the three men. "Nice to see you. Talk soon." Turning on a heel, the emo-biker joined friends on the other side of the bar.

Rolling up Amanda's bug report into a tube, Sloth hit Ian over the head. "She looked at me like I was masturbating!"

"HE looked at you like you were mangling the midget."

This time, Ian and Mouth laughed. Sloth didn't.

Snatching a half-eaten plate of poutine, Sloth stood up and motioned towards the back wall. "You two are assholes. I'm gonna see if Ms. Pac-Man needs some company."