The Bad Boy Computer Programmer At Wattpad

AMANDA'S BLOG 1

**Amanda types her blog entry on her laptop**

Hello, Earthlings!

This afternoon I broke down and created a free online dating profile on OKCupid. All I can say is, "Wow! Just--wow!"

It became apparent today how long I've been absent from the dating scene when I got a bunch of messages from strangers containing three simple letters: D-T-F.

"What the hell does that stand for?" I asked myself. Then like a proper ignoramus, I Googled it.

(drops head in disappointment)
Is this really what dating has become? Do people even meet organically anymore--in the physical world? What happened to the days when single ladies got into fender benders with single men, and to apologize for the inconvenience--one would take the other to lunch? Not only have I slammed on my breaks unexpectedly in traffic hoping to be rear-ended by a handsome stranger, but I've also loitered in every place a singleton is supposed to loiter to attract a mate (as outlined in the dating rules that have been around longer than the invention of the condom). For example:
1) Produce sections at grocery stores.
2) Church pews on Sundays.
3) Cruising the main drag in town with my window down.
4) Pretending to enjoy sports at dive bars.

None of them work anymore, damn it! The world is virtual, not real. People don't have to leave their fucking homes for nothing--not even toilet paper. Even that shit (wiper) can be delivered to their front doors.

I swear--it's like strangers want a list of your basic stats, a copy of your essay answers to dumb questions about life and a portfolio of your most recent vacation photos before they'll even entertain the thought of striking up a conversation with you face-to-face. It makes my soul sad. Real life human beings can't even get a hello, while virtual representations of human beings get a bold DTF!

Maybe it's just a Seattle thing? A cultural product of Microsoft, Amazon, Boeing and Google? People do refer to our antisocial culture as The Seattle Freeze--and my love life definitely feels the cold. It's frozen in time (roughly the 1950's?). It's also frozen in bits, bytes and pixels.

I'm not even sure if that last sentence made sense because my mind doesn't understand the complex world of technology. The only thing I know for sure is that technology seems to think it understands me--as illustrated by the email in my inbox from OKCupid claiming to have found my perfect matches. Really, OKCupid? You must be OKStupid if you think the men on that list are my potential soulmates. All of them--even the ones lying about their age and height--can be sorted into one or more of the following categories:
1. DTF'ers.
2. Insanely avid hikers.
3. Computer programmers.
4. Poly-something-or-other enthusiasts.

DTF'ers? Hey--I'm not out to diss anyone here. If they're looking for someone who's down--more power to them. I hope they find it--both the person who's DTF and the medicated itch cream. I just require more from my relationships than "being down." Go ahead--call me picky--I don't fucking care.

Avid Hikers? I'm starting to think hiking might just be a default setting on OKCupid if you say you're from the Pacific Northwest. According to people's profile descriptions and pictures, it seems every singleton from the Northwest is somewhere between a semi-pro mountain climber and a yeti. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a fun day hike a couple times a year in the surrounding area or on vacation--but scaling a mountain every single day and twice on Sundays where oxygen levels are dangerously low and chances of death are dangerously high? Knock yourself out, dude. I'll catch that scenery on the Discovery Channel.

Computer programmers? I know, I know, I know! I'm stereotyping--I get it. But I can't shake the memories I have of the technology scene after being married to a Microsoft programmer for a several years. It was like sleeping with a Cyborg. I mean--EVERYTHING had to be calculated, scheduled and orchestrated. Mapping out the most efficient route on which to make an errand run? Check. Insane researching rituals before anything could be purchased? Check. Ridiculously huge speakers perfectly positioned in the middle of the living room to achieve a prime surround sound experience? Check. Checklists for weekend chores? Check. Scorecards for the number of times a movie quote could be worked into a conversation? Check. Written instructions for properly making love to a woman? Check.

When my Canadian Cyborg checked marriage off on one of his never-ending checklists--well--that was one of those rare moments when the 'Borg miscalculated an equation. For some reason he didn't realize relationships were forever evolving and changing sets of data--something that will never be completely decoded or solved. It didn't occur to him that marriage might be beyond calculations and that mates couldn't be sorted into a 'taken for granted' pile after a successful courtship had been checked off on the list. Not--EVER. [sigh]

Don't even get me started on socks with sandals and watching Microsoft employees use the GPS on their phones to find their way out of cafeterias and parking lots.

Poly enthusiasts? The spreadsheets one would have to develop to keep all the schedules, special occasions and partner(s) likes/dislikes organized sounds like way too much work for me. More power to the Polys for having the energy to keep up with all the moving parts in a multiple-mate relationship. I simply only have enough patience to deal with one person's baggage of bullshit, and a heart insistent that its romance chamber was only designed for a single occupant.

Okay Earthlings--it's time for me to sign off for the night. Surely, I've just provided you with enough whining and complaining for a single evening. In any case, I'll keep you updated on my future dating adventures. There's sure to be lots of "interesting" tales to tell throughout this unfortunate online dating journey.

Oh! I almost forgot! Be sure to check out my new poem on Wattpad about a caterpillar and a snake. It's a heartwarming tale that exposes my more hopeful side. Don't judge me.

Until we meet again!

Amanda