The Bad Boy Computer Programmer At Wattpad

WATTPAD HEADQUARTERS 2

**Ian**

The moment Mouth spotted Ian entering their corner of Wattpad Headquarters, he held his cell phone up against his unshaven face and Cheshire grin. "Come see this!"

"New phone?" Ian asked.

"Nada. New app."

Ian tossed his backpack into a chair. "An app for what?"

"It's called Snare-A-Babe. It's like GPS for the female anatomy."

Ian lifted an eyebrow. Mouth fiddled with the phone's screen, snickering sporadically. "You can select the part of a woman you'd like to--input and output--if you know what I mean?" Mouth overemphasized a non-subtle set of winks.

Ian shook his head and mumbled. "No. I don't--no. I don't wanna know what you mean."

Mouth continued, "The app has these guides superimposed over the camera feature, so you line up the lady parts with the guides and--." Mouth's phone vibrated--rhythmically--on a continuous loop. He bobbed his head to the rhythm, eyes wide with excitement. "I get hard code just holding this thing. I can't wait to do some fuzz testing--if you know what I mean?"

Ian scrunched his face at Mouth like he whiffed an awful smell. "Who--exactly--are you going to use that on? Yourself?"

"Just look at it!" Mouth walked towards his coworker to show him Snare-A-Babe's latest technology. When he reached Ian's side, a woman walked through their work area and smiled.

Mouth immediately shoved the phone in his back pocket. He smiled back at the woman and nodded. "Morning, Delta."

"Morning, Mouth," she replied. "Thanks for your help on that project, by the way. You were a--lifesaver!"

He blushed and twisted his fingers nervously behind his back. "No problemo. That's why I'm here. Always eager to help."

Delta gave both Mouth and Ian a friendly wave, then continued on her way.

"If you--or your team--ever needs anything, just ask," Mouth called out as Delta walked away into the distance. "Big supporter of the team, right here!"

When Delta was out of earshot, Mouth whispered to Ian. "She's an embedded java dream--if you know what I mean?"

Ian's eyes squinted slightly as he tried to decode Mouth's choice of words. "Actually--I'm not sure what you--."

Mouth interrupted, subtly pointing down towards his Girth Vader. "You know? Java the Hut."

Ian put his hand over Mouth's face and gave it a playful shove, then returned to his desk to fire up his computer. Glancing at Sloth's unoccupied chair, he asked, "Where's he at?"

Mouth chuckled as he walked back to his work station. "Moving his car. Someone got--a ticket."

Ian snickered as he typed his login information to access his computer. "Someone's gonna be pissed."

"I know," Mouth agreed through his signature man-giggle. Rubbing his hands together, he added, "I can't wait."

Mouth watched Ian from behind his desk for a moment, then asked, "Why the Mork and Mindy screen saver? Even as a geek I think it's a little weird."

Ian glanced at Mouth and smiled. He pointed to the screen. "It's partially because of the Robin Williams quote. It reminds me why I'm here."

"Earth?"

"No. Wattpad."

Leaning up on his elbows, Mouth squinted at the monitor on the other side of the room. "What does it say?"

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."

"Euphegenia Doubtfire said that?"

"Yes--Robin Williams."

"Shazbot!" Mouth shouted--an Orkan swear word Mork used on his TV show. "He could've worked here saying shit like that."

Before Ian could respond, Sloth stormed in shaking a parking ticket over his head. "Not a word about this from either one of you or I'll rip your heads off and shit in your neck holes."

A playful grin plastered itself across Mouth's face. "If you keep sweet talkin' me, I might have to report you to management for sexual harassment."

Sloth crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it at Mouth.

"And I ran into Jessica or Jessie or Jess or Jessica--whatever the hell her name is--on my way in here," Sloth said. "It seems we have support ticket duty the next couple days--to help with technical issues."

Mouth glanced at the parking ticket in Sloth's hand and opened his lips to speak. Sloth cut him off. "I swear I will rip your fucking head off."

"They want the three of us to communicate with the public?" Ian asked. Under his breath he mumbled, "That's brave."

"Where's the team that usually does the tickets?" Mouth questioned.

"Oh? You mean Jessica and Jessica and Jessica and Jesse and--whatever the fuck their names are?" Sloth slumped down in his chair. "They're going to Wattcon."

"Don't we get like a ton of tickets for issues with the site?" Mouth glanced back and forth between his two coworkers.

"They said do what we can--if we have time." Sloth crumpled up his parking ticket and threw it towards the trash. He missed. "I'm pretty sure my schedule is booked, but I thought Data might be excited for an opportunity to shoot some humanitarian glitter out his ass."

Ian shrugged and returned his focus back to his monitor. "I could probably help with some of it. Seems like the decent thing to do since someone's gonna have to cover for me in a few weeks when I go to Astoria."

"I forgot about that!" Mouth exclaimed. "The Goondocks! I say if the Walsh house happens to be for sale when you're there, we should all chip in and buy it."

As he waited for his computer to load, Sloth said, "Divided three ways." Quoting a line from the Goonies, he continued. "The marijuana goes in the top drawer. The cocaine and speed go in the second drawer. And the heroin goes in the bottom drawer. Always separate the--." Sloth stopped mid-sentence when a senior member of the Wattpad team approached. "Mister Wattson. How can we help you?"

"Hey guys," Wattson began. "Sorry about the ticket situation. Don't worry about it if you can't get to them. I know you guys are busy."

"If we don't get to the tickets, let us know how else we might be able to help," Sloth suggested, "Maybe we can pick up a few tasks to lighten your load If you need to play catchup after Wattcon."

One side of Mister Wattson's mouth curled up into a smile. "Thanks. I'll keep that in mind." He pointed at Team Goonies before departing and said, "Team spirit. I love it."

"Shazbot!" Ian exclaimed after Mister Wattson left the area. "The Sloth-man's a professional beyond the walls of Team Goonies!"

"Shazbot is an understatement," Mouth said. "Could your lips get any more tender on Mister Wattson's ass?"

"Oh--fuck me, Mouth."

Mouth holds up his phone. "I have an app for that."