Love on the Radio

Chapter 36 - Out in the blue

A/N: I really hope you like it.

Chapter 36 - Out in the blue

I held the piece of paper in my hand, my to-do list. Evan address was scribbled across it. The paper was crumpled and fragile. I should’ve treated it more carefully, but I didn’t. My legs were heavy, but I kept going.

I was already in the neighbourhood, but my gut kept screaming at me to run, to go away, to rush home and lock the doors and hide under my bed. My head was filled with clouds, but I wasn’t on any of them. Not cloud 9, or cloud 4. I was below them. And in the corridors of my mind, my voice announced demands that bounced back from the walls, echoed in the labyrinths.

I forced myself to continue walking, even though my body resisted. I needed to talk to Evan. I needed clarity.

I finally spotted a light blue house that was supposed to belong to him. I swallowed. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t walk up to his door, knock on it and wait for an answer. It was too nerve-wracking. But I didn’t stop, either. My feet kept moving, my mind kept going to crazy, but I didn’t stop.

I turned left and found myself standing on his driveway. There wasn’t a car, so no parents. I felt a little lighter. Last thing I needed was his parents at his house while me and him talked about Howard.

How was I going to tell him that I knew his secret? That Ramona had told me? Evan was going to hate me. I couldn’t stand it.

I walked up to his door and knocked three times. There were no footsteps, nothing moved. I knocked again, twice this time, and waited, but nobody came to answer the door.

“He’s not home,” I mumbled and suddenly I felt a huge disappointment. I had made it all the way to his door, and he wasn’t even home. All this worrying for nothing. I felt stupid.

There was nothing left for me to do but to go home, not to hide under a bed, but to think of a new plan. I had to speak to him someday. Just not that day, apparently. My gut had been right about running back home. I left his house with a heavy feeling – disappointment. I had all the time in the world to walk back, so I did, slowly.

The next day I welcomed without any plans. It was meaningless to do any lists because I was set up for certain failure. Better to go with the flow, except the waters were quiet, the flow nonexistent; how can tell the way of a river if it sits still in its bed.

In Biology I drew circles across my notebook. Of course I took notes of what the teacher was saying, otherwise I’d fail relationships AND school. I was present in all of the classes, and did the best I could, although sleep seemed sweeter than lectures, and my eyes did want to fall shut.

All would’ve been good if it wasn’t for the starting Art class. But then again, there was nothing to worry about, I had to face life. It wasn’t a matter of time, life was always there. Why wait until tomorrow to do something, when it was certain that tomorrow would never come. Tomorrow was always going to be the day after. And today was always going to be the day I didn’t do anything, the day I promised I’d do it tomorrow.

When the bell rang, I rushed to Art class to prepare. I needed a lot of paint. I could envision it, the greens and blues and yellows mixed with reds and oranges, thrown together with the purples and pinks. I wanted to create chaos, but a beautiful kind of destruction. I wanted to paint a phoenix, but it had to blend in with the surroundings. I wanted ash sprayed across the canvas.

In my head, it was perfect, but I knew I wasn’t able to bring to life. I had such great visions of it, but it tended to be that in reality, the colours weren’t as bright as needed, and the bird wasn’t as majestic. I tried to feel confident, about the painting that was about to happen and about Evan and Howard.