The Unexpected

Chapter 7: Who Am I

Mandy POV...

The sun was just trying to peek its way in between the blinds when I awakened. I felt disoriented and groggy, looking around at my surroundings fear began to take over. I tried moving my arms but instantly realized that they are being restrained. They both were securely strapped to the railing on each side of the bed.

My fear skyrocketed at this point, my breathing escalating at a rapid pace making it hard for me to breathe. The worst fear that I had was that Elliott was holding me hostage at an unknown location for his sick pleasure. My eyesight became blurry from my tears. I was losing touch with reality because somehow I knew whatever was happening to me was all my fault for falling weakly to temptation.

Somewhere in the distance, I began to hear a faint steady beeping noise. I wipe the tears from my eyes, clearing my vision. Looking nervously around the room again I realize where the noise was coming from. There at the head of the bed was some kind of machine attached to my body pumping a clear fluid into my body by a tube.

I was relieved when I realized that it was just my overactive imagination working against me. I felt really stupid because I always think the worst in any situation. How could I not when life has dealt me such a shitty life from an early age? 

Everyone else my age was out there enjoying life. Partying with friends and planning their future. While me, on the other hand, has been struggling barely able to hold onto the little sanity that I did have left. It feels like I'm stuck in a never-ending nightmare, a boogie man behind every corner waiting to torture me.

Every day represented an emotional struggle for me. All I was to some guys was used good that was easy prey accessible through my mother. I was surprised my mother even took time out of her day to care enough to sit in this very room.

Every so often I resented my mother for giving birth to me. I sometimes believed that she knew of some of the horrid things that her male partner was doing to me. Most of the time her boyfriend spends more time with me than her, so how could she not know? My brain and shattered heart were having a mental war with each other. I didn't know which one would come out the winner.

My mother almost looks like the mother that I recognized when I was little. Her head was laying at the foot of my bed with her right hand draped across my legs. It's amazing how I hadn't detected this before I suffered my mental breakdown. Her face looks so peaceful even with the little worry lines on her forehead.

I sat there admiring her features, this is the first time I've looked at my mother up close in years. I know it's a shame that I couldn't clearly remember my own mothers' features. How could I concentrate on anything when the wicked world was relentlessly working its peculiar magic on me and not in a good way?

My mother's beautiful face looked as though nothing at all had happened to her. Yeah, she had a few worry lines placed distinctively across her forehead but that was all. I sat there wondering how she could still look the same as when I was 6 years old. Maybe life wasn't as vicious on her as it was for me, I thought bitterly to myself.

I desperately wanted to trace her facial features with my fingers. This might be the last time I ever see her this close up again before the harsh world pulls us apart again. “I love you, Mom,” I call out into the deathly silent room. 

“I love you too baby girl.” I barely hear her say.

For a minute I thought I was hearing things. I haven't heard my mother's voice sound so clear and warm. What shocked me the most was that she said it back to me. I've always been the one to tell her those very same words but never once have I gotten a response in eleven years. I was too afraid to look at her, so I hung my head low and cried silently. I desperately wanted to believe her but my hardened heart refused to allow me to break down the wall that I have erected to protect myself from intruders. 

The one time that I did let someone in, she abandoned me out in the cold to drown in my pain. I know it's not right to put all the blame on Lily but try telling that to my heart and brain. At the moment I just couldn't decide if I should forgive her or not. However, when it comes to my mother part of me feels like if I foolishly allow her in then I'm only setting myself up for more heartache and debilitating pain.

“Mandy, honey are you okay?” I hear coming from the woman that sounded like my old mom with concern and love in her voice. 

“Yeah, I'm just peachy!” I answered bluntly. I will not be deceived by this lady in front of me, who has been stoned every day for the past eleven miserable years of my life. I was not going to make it that easy for her to break down my defenses only to cause me to rebuild those walls all over again.

“Why am I tied up to this bed? I asked while feeling myself becoming very annoyed with my mother's bullcrap all of a sudden.

“It's for your safety honey...”

“You can stop with all the sweet talk mother. It doesn't suit you. I've endured eleven years of pure torture because of your selfishness,” I snapped viciously.

“I'm sorry honey...”

“Stop calling me that, it's just Mandy to you,” I yelled furiously as I heard an aggressive voice I never heard before bellows out of my mouth. I felt terrified of myself, it seems as if the sweet Mandy was somewhere cowering in a corner. The one left standing was taking control of my thoughts and action, she's felt hostile and resentful. I felt as though I was two different people in a span of a second and it was scaring the shit out of me. 

I feared what would come out of my mouth next. I was trying my best to keep it shut, but it was a losing battle. “What the fuck are you doing here anyway?” I hear tumbles out of my mouth. “Aren't you supposed to be at home on the sofa strung out on drugs anyway?” The new me asked in blatant disrespect to my mom. 

My mother looked at me in shock and hurt shown clearly in her eyes just before she raced out of the room in tears.

“You are so pathetic and stupid I hear the voice in my head scolding me.” How could you even consider forgiving her after all you've been through? “Your so-called mother wasn't there for you in these past eleven horrific years, So what makes you think that she'll be there for you later?” I hear her belittling me before finally shutting down.

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