Oscar Glyde Won't Heal Your Pride

22: Return of the Indefinite Pronouns

OSCAR: "But... all the lights in the car were off. How could they have - ?"

FENDER: "They photoshopped it. I guess there was enough light somewhere to - I - I don't know, Oscar!" (puts his hands on his forehead in distress)

OSCAR: (a toilet in one of the stalls flushes; Oscar grabs Fender and pushes him towards one of the empty stalls) "Come on." (Oscar locks the stall behind both of them) "Shhh."

(They wait until they hear the person leave the bathroom)

OSCAR: "Abdul's not even gay. There's no way they can make that claim."

FENDER: "I'm not even gay!"

OSCAR: (quickly) "Right! Right. So, if it's not true, it's not true, right? No one will believe that."

FENDER: "Me raping Emma wasn't true! And everyone believed that one! Oscar, we can't let this... We can't..."

(Oscar pins him against the wall of the bathroom stall again)

OSCAR: "There's nothing we can do now, Fender. It'll be recalled by noon. We can try collecting them up before that, but... It's too late. I'm sorry."

FENDER: (starting to cry) "It happened again. It happened again."

OSCAR: "Sit down."

(Fender sits on the toilet)

FENDER: (still crying) "That wasn't it. They also said that you and me are dating."

OSCAR: "But..."

FENDER: "It doesn't matter, Oscar! This is what they do. This is what the newspaper people and the Indefinite Pronouns do! They make shit up and they spread rumours and they single out someone to pick on. And you can't get out of it."

(Oscar squats down with his back against the stall wall)

OSCAR: "You can get out of this."

FENDER: "I can't, Oscar. I can't."

OSCAR: "We release the other videos. We expose the other rapists and Ronny for his sick sex games. Then we get you a girlfriend. Even a fake one, just to pretend for a little bit. Get the rumours off your back. Maybe Emma will do it."

FENDER: (weak) "I'm tired of pretending."

OSCAR: "Then we don't. Maybe you'll actually find a girl who you like, who you want to date. What's your type?"

FENDER: (laughs in exasperation) "I don't know if I have one."

OSCAR: "It's easy. The Realm of Girlandia is separated into several factions. There's Faction Emma, the popular girls who have hidden substance to them that's revealed in a depressive darkness once a potent experience gives them a different perspective on life. Faction Victoria, the girls who spend so much time perfecting their highlight it blinds them from anyone else, but they're normally pretty hot. Faction Alessandra, the girls who are so smart it drives them to extreme cynicism, bringing out their more snappy qualities. And then there's Faction Basil, the girls who you'd probably want to have as the godmother to your children and the handler of your dead body."

FENDER: (avoids looking at Oscar) "My type is a bit different than that."

OSCAR: "Faction Elsie, the sporty girls? Faction Gabi, the social justice warriors with an overbearing sexual prowess and fetish for the younger generation that's bound to develop into grade-A pedophilia twenty years down the road?"

FENDER: "I don't know, Oscar. What's your type?"

(...)

OSCAR: "Someone who's kind."

FENDER: "Really? That's it? After all that, all you want is someone who's 'kind'?"

OSCAR: "Well you don't want to date a fucking asshole, do you? I think kindness is so underrated. Everyone is so worried about being beautiful and smart and interesting that they forget to be kind."

FENDER: "I want to date someone interesting. Someone who'll force me to be less... me. I go home to this huge house and nobody's ever home. I play videogames for a few hours until my dad comes back and we eat dinner in silence. Then I go back upstairs and do my homework until one in the morning. I go to school the next day. I go back home. Repeat. If I have to date somebody, it has to be someone who involuntarily disrupts that routine. Someone who shows me new things and takes me to new places. Forces me to think differently about things."

OSCAR: "Our standards are too high, man. I think we'll be single forever."

FENDER: "Yeah. All you ask for is kindness and all I ask for is someone interresting. We've set an impossible bar."

OSCAR: "Maybe we should just date each other."

FENDER: (laughs) "Come to school tomorrow morning holding hands and wearing matching sweatshirts?"

OSCAR: "I was thinking me longboarding in carrying a pride flag while I tug you in a red wagon behind me. Maybe you'll be accompanied by puppies, I don't know. I need to sort out the details."

FENDER: (pursed smile) "You should come over sometime, Oscar."

OSCAR: (standing up) "Fuck no. We meet at the fire hydrant opposite the sex-trafficking Thai massage parlor on the opposite side of town. One hour till dawn tomorrow morning. Bring your longboard."

FENDER: "Is that a serious invite? We have school tomorrow."

OSCAR: "Oh, Fender. My sweet, innocent Fender. When will you realize that there are more important things in life than getting a full night's rest before school?"