My New Obsession [BxB]

Chapter Thirty- I Mean This, Forever [FINAL CHAPTER]

 My shoeless feet still managed to create echoes when coming into contact with the ground as I was led back through the police station. The whole spaced housed a hushed silence, and somehow I was aware that everybody knew- everybody knew- what was happening to me. I could feel eyes burning through my skin as people witnessed the screwed up teenage boy heading off in an attempt to get better. As I tried to read the atmosphere of the room, I thought that maybe some of them were secretly wishing me luck while others just felt sad at the thought of another kid delinquent who couldn’t look after himself.

 And it was sad, I guess. I was a sad case.

 The strong hands that gripped my arms relinquished their hold slowly as we came towards the front of the building. My breathing was shallow and my eyes were wild, darting from object to object, human to human as my brain tried to process what was happening. My mother was right behind me, a comforting hand on my shoulder.

 My procession came to a halt at the front doors and I was relieved from human touch completely. I bit down on my lip and looked towards my mother. Even though I was grateful that she would be accompanying me to the rehab centre, it still didn’t really calm me down. I was pretty sure it was acceptable to be absolutely petrified, though.

 Released from the station, I stepped outside to be greeted by cold air and my favourite smell of recently fallen rain. The taxi loomed ahead of me and I completely panicked; I wasn’t ready for this. Everything was happening so goddamn fast. I just wanted to stop and breathe and see George and have him tell me it was going to be okay. I just needed to know it was all going to be okay.

 The taxi driver got out of the vehicle and opened one of the doors for me. I gave him a nod as I clambered inside, but couldn’t bring myself to speak. Mum got in beside me and I clutched at her hand, suddenly an innocent child again. Glancing over my shoulder as the car pulled away, I could see the blonde female police officer watching us leave and mentally said goodbye to her as if I were leaving her in possession of a part of myself.

 As we drove along, mum requested that the radio be turned to a rock station as if it would be a distracting aid on the journey. The driver tuned in just as How To Fight Loneliness by Wilco started to play. The melancholy tone of the song seemed to get caught in my chest and made it hard for me to breathe again, although I was grateful to be listening to one of my favourite songs.

 Cars rushed past, people went along their daily lives, buildings threw shadows and the regular world seemed so normal while mine continued to spin out of control.

 Something in the Way by Nirvana started to play, and my mum quickly asked for the radio to be turned off because she knew that song made me feel strange. My mind was never able to provide the words that could accurately describe the way songs like that made me feel. The closest analogy I could ever come up with was if you could imagine living a life where you hit all the good milestones and everything was perfect for you to the point where you were envied- and then it was all ripped out from beneath you. You’re left stranded, isolated, with nothing you can rely on and nothing to look forward to. People avoid you because everything you had turned to dust and they don’t want to be infected, and the weight you feel in your chest, the physical heartache that comes from something like that… that’s how music can sometimes make me feel.

 “No,” I spoke quietly. “Let it play.”

 Leaning my forehead against the cool glass window, I began to contemplate the idea that perhaps rehab wouldn’t help me. Maybe I was supposed to be broken; maybe I was supposed to be the fuck up. You never know what’s good if you don’t know what’s bad, right? So it was a possibility that I was intended to be the epitome of sin, scum and sadness, to die as an example of what not to be.

 Then again, I was just making excuse for myself, trying to bide myself some more time.

 More time would never come, though.

 As our journey dragged on and we crept closer and closer towards our destination, I thought of George. I thought of George and Jake and Rich and Bryan and Matt and decided that if my theory was correct and I was intended to be the worst person, I would say a big ‘fuck you’ to life’s intentions. It wasn’t fair for that to be my deal, just like it wasn’t fair what had happened to Matt. Games are never truly fair and life is the biggest game I’ve ever seen. If I wasn’t going to get better for myself, I had to do it for my loved ones.

 In saying that I was contradicting a very strong personal belief of mine. I’ve always hated it when people talk about mental illness in relation to the people around you. It’s common to hear someone tell you that you’re hurting everyone you love, that you’re damaging them… but I’ve never considered that to be the most important factor. Surely the most important thing when you’re hurting is that you’re the one that’s feeling the pain. Yes, others become affected by it, but they’ll never truly understand what you felt. In telling someone to get better simply to aid others, you make a person feel guilty, which makes them feel worse. Then, just when they thought their opinion of themselves couldn’t sink any lower, you’re just shoving them face down in the dirt.

 Humanity is cruel. Everything is cruel.

 In my case, though, I would do this for my loved ones. Not because someone was telling me to, but because I had seen firsthand the physical and mental torture that my family had been struck with in that hospital waiting room. I couldn’t do that to them again. I would never blame Matt for what he had done, but I would not be the one to put my family through that again.

 My eyes focused on the surroundings just as we pulled off the main road and onto a long driveway. This is it…

 The driveway was lined with trees and led the way up to a building that looked like an oversized Victorian townhouse. Other small buildings were dotted around it, and the main building didn’t look nearly as frightening as I had thought it might. It almost looked like somewhere you could go on holiday to, to take a break from the strain of your mediocre life.

 The taxi came to a halt and we thanked the driver. There was no fare to pay because he had been sent by the centre, and I gave him a genuine smile when he wished me luck. Mum opened the door on her side of the car and I clutched hold of her hand, sliding across the seats so that I could follow her out the door and not have to let her go.

 I shut the car door behind me and we stood side by side, looking up at the painted white building with large windows and bright flower boxes that gave the place an unthreatening feel. Maybe I could do this after all.

 “Are you ready?” mum asked me.

 “What a fucking dumb question.” I replied quietly, and she trod lightly on my left foot. I smiled.

 “Shall we go inside?” she asked.

 “Wait. I need a moment.”

 I closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the leaves on nearby trees rustling in the light breeze. I thought back to my days at school when I would meet the guys in the forest that lined the sports field and we would hang out, laugh and be happy in our break from another day in hell. That was where my life had begun, that was where it had all started. And I didn’t think about when we would drink and smoke on our lunch breaks, but about how I discovered that I actually possessed the ability to connect with people, that there were other humans who were like me and who didn’t aim to cause other people pain.

 Then my mind wandered to that blistering hot day at the park when George had bumped into me and we had sat under our tree. It had been pure, unadulterated bliss. It had been a perfect moment.

 Perfect moments could be in my future if I wanted them to be. I just needed to do this first, to sort myself out, and then I could get on with really living instead of being an empty shell of a person.

 “Okay. I’m ready.”

 I opened my eyes and together we walked forward.

The End