Free to Love

Chapter 64

Shawn

When I knocked on Jo's door, the last thing I expected was for her to jump into my arms when she answered. Not that I was complaining. It was fucking wonderful.

"Baby, are you okay?" I asked as I walked our joined bodies into her apartment.

She started sobbing. I closed the door and then stood there and held her, gently rubbing my right hand up and down her back as my left hand held her head against my chest.

"Shhhh, honey, don't cry," I whispered in her ear.

After a few minutes she pulled back and looked up at me. God she was beautiful. Perfection.

"I love you," she said as she reached up and stroked my cheek. It was then that I realized I'd been crying, too.

"I love you, too. And Jesus Christ, I'm so glad we're starting this talk by telling each other this. It's making me feel very hopeful."

"Let's sit down," she said, as she took my hand and led me to the couch. Joanna sat next to me, but turned so that we could see each other. "We need to talk."

"I'm going to start, if that's okay with you," I said.

"That's fine. Go ahead."

"I am so sorry for ever making you feel second best. I'm sorry that I was an idiot about the anniversary projection. And I'm sorry I've said Mallory's name instead of yours."

"You can't help what you say in your sleep," she said, as she looked down at her hands which she was wringing together nervously.

"I know that, but I think there's a reason I've done it. And that's my fault."

I reached out and took both of her small hands in my left. I felt her relax from my touch.

"How so?" she asked.

"I haven't allowed myself to let go of Mallory. Ever since she died, I've been clinging to her memory. It's like I thought that if I let her go, she'd cease to have ever existed. Like I'd lose her again, just more permanently."

"I think that's an understandable feeling."

"Yeah. It's probably normal. But at some point, the person left behind has to move on. I'm ready to do that. I've let Mallory go," I said.

Jo looked confused. "What does that mean?"

"I visited her today. I talked to her and told her all about you. I told her that I love you and that I'm hoping to marry you. I also said that to do that, I had to set myself free. Free to love you like you deserve, Joanna."

"You didn't have to do that for me," she said.

Tears were streaming down her cheeks again. I grabbed a tissue from the box on the coffee table and wiped them away.

"It wasn't just for you; It was for me. I needed to let myself know that everything I feel for you is fine. I needed to allow myself to love you fully. To do that, I had to let go of Mallory."

"But didn't that hurt you?" she asked, her face full of concern for me. She was the most empathetic person I'd ever met.

"A little. But it hurt so much more to feel conflicted about my feelings and to carry the guilt around. I don't feel that anymore. Everything is clear now. I know how I feel and it's incredible."

Joanna wiped her nose. "H-how do you feel?"

I leaned over and kissed her on her forehead. "Joanna, my love for you is so pure and so strong. I love you as much as a man can love a woman. In no way is my love for you secondary to my love for Mallory. That's what I've struggled with. It's been very hard for me to accept that I could love someone else on that level. But I do. You're my soulmate, honey. You're my world. You've brought so much light into my life, and not just because I needed a replacement. You're no substitute. You're the real thing, and you own my heart."