Free to Love

Chapter 62

Shawn

I called out to Joanna as she walked through the door. It didn't keep her from leaving, though. I even jumped up and ran to stop her, but before my hand hit the handle, I stopped myself. I really needed to think things through before we talked. I'd messed up badly and god knows I could end up making things worse if I said something stupid.

After making myself a cup of coffee, I called my mom.

"Hey, it's me," I said.

"Are you and Joanna on your way?"

"Actually, no. Something's happened and she's not coming. I'm going to leave in a little while."

"Shawn, what's wrong?" my mom asked, the worry evident in her voice.

Fuck. I really hated having to tell her.

"She called off the wedding. I'll tell you all about it when I get there. I don't want the kids to know, though. Okay?"

My mom was quiet for a second. "Maybe you shouldn't come today."

"What do you mean?"

"Stay there and fight for her. Whatever happened is probably repairable. You have to try," she said.

"I don't know. I'm not sure what I can do or say to make things better while her emotions are so high. I think we both need a little time apart to think. I know I have some thinking to do. Plus, Sunday is Easter. I have to be there in the morning for Grace and Nolan. I have their Easter baskets."

"Okay. It's your call. I'll see you when you get here and we'll talk. Drive safely," she said.

I finished my coffee and ate a granola bar. I grabbed the plastic crate with the kids' Easter stuff and went down to my car.

The entire drive, I thought about what Joanna had said. I was mortified when she'd told me I said Mallory's name in my sleep. I had no idea. That had to hurt her, even if she knew it was unintentional. It looked like Mallory was who I wanted sexually, given when I said her name. Truthfully, though, Joanna was who I wanted when I had those kind of thoughts awake. Why was my subconscious betraying me?

Joanna felt like she was a substitute. She felt secondary to Mallory. Had I been giving her signals to indicate I felt that way? Was I that much of an asshole? Apparently I was if she felt that way. I hated myself for that.

I knew I'd given Brooke that message, and I still regretted treating her that way. But Joanna? I loved her.  Maybe I did sometimes see her as a replacement. One reason I loved her so much was that she'd fulfill my children's need for a mother figure. Isn't that what a replacement does? Fuck. Had I made this that obvious? Was I wrong to want her to be a part of their lives because they needed a mom? It wasn't the only reason I wanted to marry her, though. It wasn't even the main reason. I wanted to marry her because I loved her. Jesus, I loved her so goddamned much. Had I not made that clear?

These questions ran through my brain, but I had no answers. I'd been avoiding asking myself the big question since I'd fallen for Jo. It was time, though. For the last hour of the drive, I finally let myself be honest about that question.

And I finally gave myself an answer.

I got to the house and found out that my mom had done me the favor of fibbing to my kids so that I wouldn't have to. She told them that Joanna was spending Easter with her family. This was probably true; I assumed she'd go to her parents' house tomorrow.

We spent the afternoon coloring Easter eggs. Aaliyah and Alec were there to add to the fun time. I did a surprisingly good job of acting like my heart wasn't breaking.