Free to Love

Chapter 60

Shawn

I felt horrible about doing the anniversary projection once I understood that it was hurtful to Joanna.

It was an understatement to say I was kind of a mess these days. I had no regrets about proposing to Jo, and I couldn't wait to marry her, but our impending nuptials opened up some other wounds inside me.

Logically, I knew that moving on and bringing Joanna into my life permanently was the best thing for me. It was also good for Grace and Nolan. They'd benefit so much from having her join our family. I'd done a good job as a single dad. I knew that. I had a fantastic support system, though. I also had the finances to afford being able to not work and dedicate my life to them, so I was luckier than most men in my situation. Regardless of having it easier, it was still sometimes hard. I wanted someone to share parenting with. That included having another person to enjoy each happy moment with, as well as having someone to help through the hard times.

Grace was turning 8 soon. Before long, she'd be blossoming into a young woman. I understood periods and all that other stuff because of Mallory, but I knew having a woman to guide her was important. She'd have questions that she wouldn't want to ask me. One day, there'd be a love interest in her life. She needed a woman's perspective on all that. When I was a teenager, I turned to my mom and dad for different things. My mom helped me through my first heartbreak and my dad gave me solid advice about my career. Even now, I tended to turn to each one for different reasons. I could see Grace doing the same with me and Joanna.

Nolan had gone so long without a mother that he didn't really know what it was like to have one. He needed a strong woman in his life. He had his grandmothers and aunt as well as his honorary aunts, Kris and Vera, but that wasn't the same. He needed the daily nurturing love that a mother gives. Not that I wasn't nurturing, but a mother figure would give him something I couldn't. Also, I wanted him to grow up respecting women. I know I modeled that behavior for him, but I felt that living with a woman would reinforce that. Also, it would be good for him to see how I treated the woman I loved so that he'd know how to act with his future partner.

It had taken me awhile, but I now understood why Mallory felt it was important that I remarry one day. She understood the things that I couldn't at first.

Not that I was marrying Joanna for my children. I was marrying her because I was in love with her. I wanted, no needed, her to be a part of my life every single day. I wanted to go to sleep next to her and see her face every morning when I opened my eyes. I couldn't deny that the marriage was beneficial for Grace and Nolan, though.

So why did I celebrate the anniversary? That was complicated in the same way that keeping my 'Mallory' wedding band tattoo was complicated.

There was a part of me that knew that bringing Joanna in meant pushing Mallory out. Remarrying meant letting go. Letting go meant losing Mal. The thought of losing my first wife made me feel guilty.

I'd been struggling with guilt a lot since I'd fallen for Joanna. I first loved her as a friend, and that was fine. No guilt. As I started to have feelings that were beyond friendship, I felt uncomfortable. For one thing, I was dating Brooke. It was weird that Joanna, my friend, elicited feelings that my girlfriend didn't.

Then Joanna started to enter my dreams. Since Mal died, my wife had been the only one who made love to me while I slept. Then, one night, Joanna appeared.

I woke up sweaty and confused. I didn't understand why one of my best friends had just fucked my brains out in an extremely satisfying dream. Looking back, I knew why. I'd been developing feelings for Jo that I kept disregarding. My subconscious took over while I was asleep.

After that, I thought of Joanna differently. I'd always acknowledged that she was beautiful, but suddenly it was more. I noticed how her she smiled with her eyes and how her lips always looked slightly wet. And kissable. So damn kissable. I noticed her pronounced collarbones and her long legs. It was like I'd seen her through a filtered lens before, but now everything was in focus.

When she showed up and told me that Evans had broken up with her, I felt horrible for the pain that caused her, but a tiny part of me was also happy. That probably made me an asshole.

The more time we spent together that summer, the more I grew to love her in a way beyond friendship. I still kept those feelings at bay, because it was too soon after her break-up and Brooke wasn't out of the picture.

But then we kissed. Our first kiss was everything a kiss should be.

And that's when the guilt really escalated.

I'd felt fireworks with Mallory when we kissed for first time. I remembered that. Vividly. But they were sexual fireworks. I didn't love Mal when I first kissed her. I enjoyed her company, but she was essentially just a hook-up at that point. I didn't feel fireworks with every random chick I picked up and fucked, so yes, she was special. But it wasn't love.

When I kissed Joanna for the first time, I felt a whole different type of fireworks. They were the same kind I'd felt after I realized I loved Mallory. They were fireworks in my heart, not just in an organ a bit further south.

So I felt guilty for starting off with Joanna where Mallory and I had left off.

I pushed through that, though. Everything about being with Jo felt right. That's why I could make love to her when I couldn't with Brooke.

As our wedding date got closer, a 'what if' kept sneaking into my thoughts.

What if I loved Joanna more than Mallory? I felt like loving Joanna more would be a betrayal to Mal.

I'd accepted that I could love her. It was a huge deal for me to allow myself to love again. Our love was different, though. It was gradual and started as a friendship. Mallory and I had been thrown together because of her pregnancy. Our circumstances led to love.

Seeing it as a betrayal was irrational. Mallory wanted me to find love again. She wanted me to remarry if I found the right person. She wanted me to be happy. She'd never in a million years want me to quantify or compare my feelings. Fuck, I knew she'd probably yell at me that I was an idiot. She would undoubtedly be happy if I did love Joanna more than her because that meant I'd moved on. I also knew Mallory would be furious at me if I didn't fully move on. None of my guilt was because of what she would think. It was all me.

So as my anniversary approached I was feeling especially conflicted. Joanna had just gone off the pill and we were planning on having a baby together. This was huge. This was moving on.

And moving on hurt a little.

I projected that heart as a way to tell Mal that I still loved her and always would, even if I'd moved on. I knew when I did it that it was for the last time.

Like a jerk, I didn't think about what my message said to Joanna and the rest of the world.

Joanna and I talked about it and I think she understood why I'd done it and that I felt bad for hurting her. When we went to bed, we were okay. More than okay, actually. We'd made love for hours.

I woke up the next morning alone, so I went in search of Joanna.

It was a shock to see her holding a picture of Mallory as if she was about to smash it. Her face was angry and she looked like she'd been crying.

I reacted without thinking and yelled at her.