disjointed commentaries by a writer who doesn't give a shit

i've lied

i've lied

well

kinda 

sorta

i know we all say that we write for ourselves 

first

well that is 

kinda 

sorta

right

i do love writing

and for many years 

i did write for myself

but

then

came wattpad

instant reaction

comments

people telling you they love your work

it was fucking amazing

i remember when i had my first #1 

ivory skin

i was blown away

i was getting over a hundred reads a day

and the comments

fuck

it was amazing

then i wrote 

whisper

and at one point

i was getting

5,000 reads a day

5-fucking-thousand

i would spend hours 

answering comments

and i fucking loved

every minute

and then i did something stupid

i deleted my account

YES

I FUCKING DELETED MY ACCOUNT

and that was that

SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i miss it

i miss the dozens of comments 

and

i miss spending an hour or more

just answering comments

now

i might get one comment a day

one

just fucking one

i would be lying to say i don't miss it

because

i do

but 

i have come to a realization

actually a couple realizations

#1

i am an old man

i am 60 years old

and in all honesty

who cares what an old man has to say

when there are so many younger writers out there

so many better writers

#2

i am not that good a writer

yes

i have written a couple decent poems

and maybe even a story or two

but face it

no one is pounding down my doors

fact

i am in the bottom 50% of writers

who fluke once in a while

and write something good

that is the bottom line

i recently had someone actually rate one of my stories and i got a 5.2 out of 10

5.2

a child could get a 5. fucking 2

so

as much as i would love to be a well know writer

truth is

its never gonna fucking happen

a hard fact that i have to face

i am not a writer

i am an old man

who likes to write

and old men like me

sit at the back of the pack