disjointed commentaries by a writer who doesn't give a shit

satisfaction

we all start writing for ourselves

remember

that first time you put word to paper and created a poem

or a short story

or a so-called novel

remember the feeling of satisfaction

of accomplishment

when you finished

it drove you to keep creating

i remember when i wrote my first song

it was an utter piece of shit

but

i loved it 

and 

it pushed me to write another crappy song

and then another

and after a couple dozen crappy songs

i actually started improving

and wrote a couple decent songs

but then disaster

my band performed a couple of the songs and people liked them

it was the beginning of the end

now i felt i had to write

and write to satisfy others

it eventually forced me to stop writing songs all together

because i was driving myself fucking insane

i was reaching for stars that were covered in clouds

and instead of creating

i was destroying

i stopped writing songs

i never wrote another song for almost 20 years

that was some 15 years ago

when i started writing and recording my own songs

again i made a critical mistake

i posted them on a music site and people started listening 

and they actually liked the songs

and i actually reached #1, in my category, in my region

you say

"that is good"

NO

it was terrible

because now i felt i had to write more decent songs

or i would lose the audience

that was listening

and you now what