Acrophilia

XXXIV: loneliness

      Jaebeom doesn't sleep after that, his mind is tormented with the sight of Jinyoung dying in his arms. He's restless even when his mother stays by his side, lulling him to sleep, but it proves fruitless. When the sun comes out and light sneaks through the curtains, Jaebeom leaves his bed. His mother is asleep and he moves carefully not to awake her.

There is no way the young man can put any food in his mouth, so he leaves his home after washing and getting dressed. He spends longer than usual in the shower, rubbing his hands as if like that he could get rid of the blood, but there's nothing in them. The memory of that atrocious scene and the reality mix together, Jaebeom is too tired and sleep deprived to distinguish between reality and nightmares anymore.

The ride to the hospital is long and confusing, Jaebeom moves in a state of lethargy and fear, almost expecting Jinyoung to show up in some other horrifying close-to-death state in front of him. He isn't sure if he can take that, even if it's just a memory and he knows Jinyoung doesn't die then, it's still too much.

During the night while his mother played with his hair to soothe him, he kept thinking of the shocking reality that Jinyoung tried to kill himself, not just that time he witnessed but plenty others. He tried to understand why, how bad Jinyoung could've felt to decide to take his own life. How miserable? How lonely?

It breaks his heart as much as he cannot understand.

The poor young man is so lost in his thoughts that he obviously misses his stop and then has to walk two stations to the hospital instead of just taking the train the other way around again. He hasn't slept in over thirty-six hours, Jaebeom clearly isn't in his right mind.

Remembering the nurse's words when he asked about Jinyoung, Jaebeom heads to the eighth floor and to the room he was pointed to before. It's a shared one with other four patients, which is already very uncomfortable.

Jaebeom hesitates in front of the door, knowing Jinyoung should be at the other side, not sure if he's ready for whatever waits for him. His hand is shaking when he grabs the handle and he stops another few seconds to take deep breaths, summoning all the courage to slide that door open.

The moment he finally manages to open the door he's greeted with four sets of beds, all being occupied. There are curtain between them for privacy. Jaebeom scans the surroundings, a nurse is distributing breakfasts and looks at him with a raised eyebrow, recognising him, so he bows his head in greeting.

To his right there's an elderly woman already eating her breakfast. The curtain to her right is pulled and keeps the other patient hidden from Jaebeom's examination. To his left there's a young girl, probably twelve or so, with her mother (probably) helping her to eat as she has a cast on her right arm. At her left, there's a young boy receiving his breakfast, a high schooler, probably around fifteen, looking rough after a beat up. A young woman, probably early twenties is by his side, scolding him when he complains about being sore, she looks like an older sister.

"Did you come to see someone? It's too early for visits, though, Jaebeom-ssi," Nurse Go replies, she often helped his mother when she was in coma, so he remembers her. "Hows your mother doing, by the way?"

"She's doing well," he answers politely. "There'll still be some degree of paralysis, but the therapy doctors say she's doing wonderful."

"That's a blessing," Nurse Go smiles. "So whom are you here for?"

"Uh..." Jaebeom hesitates, taking a look at the bed to his right, the one closer to the windows. "P-Park Jinyoung."

The nurse's expression immediately softens as she looks behind her, to the bed Jaebeom assumed had to be occupied with the younger man.