Park Benches and Polaroids

lessons learned

In this strange state

of ongoing heartbreak

(never before felt)

I went too fast 

with someone else

to try and cover the pain I felt

and convinced myself

that I deserved 

the barest minimum

of what could be called

a relationship.

he was patient

and kind,

this new boy that

hugged me while I cried

after chemistry class.

and he said to me:

"I'll always be there for you. I promise."

"I won't do what he did. I won't ignore you and then turn around and say it's all your fault. I promise."

"You're stuck with me until you decide you don't want me anymore."

"I'm always gonna care about you."

"You know me. I never make promises I can't keep."

he said

"i want to be with you for a long time,"

and then broke every

single

one

of those promises

over the course of a year.

It wasn't real.

None of it.

It was words, just words,

said to satiate me

and make me feel as though

I couldn't ask for more

because of all the sacrifices he was making

for me in my troubled state.

It was just words

I would say to myself 

to try and pretend that this,

this strange relationship,

and the idea that we were not in love with each other,

were absolutely normal things that 

I should stick out,

for I was lucky

I was getting anything at all.

In the midst of my sadness,

I didn't see

just how easy it is

to replace actions 

with empty promises that it will all

"eventually get better."

And I became 

another girl

in a long list of others from the past

that he could bash on

and make fun of

after the breakup.