Dare To Love

16 - Asshole Disease

The thought of facing the world with his new self awareness was no less terrifying on Tuesday, but it was time for Louis to face the music. Seeing his friends would be good. Doing anything other than stewing in his own fear would be good. Plus, he couldn't miss his theater class another time, he'd already missed Saturday's class, and missing two in a row was not an option. He'd received a warning Email from his professor, saying that if he'd show up late again, he would lose his role as Romeo.

That morning, he'd woken up with determination and dread both settling at the pit of his stomach. He'd showered, shaved, brushed his teeth and put on real clothes for the first time in days. His heart pounding and hands trembling as he stared at his reflection.

Going back to London meant facing Harry, facing his fears and facing the shadow.

"I mean, I just assumed that I would never be into men, you know?" Louis said as he folded his clothes. "I never imagined myself dating a man, I was only ever thought that I should like girls. And when Zayn said that, I freaked out. Obviously, running away was a dumb thing to do, because obviously, I was completely and utterly wrong, right?"

Doris and Ernest looked up from their place in the center of Louis' small childhood bed, a giant coloring pad in front of them and crayons pinched between their fingers. Doris smiled at her brother and nodded.

"Yeah, you're right. It was a stupid idea," he agreed, folding a few items of clothing and placing them into his suitcase. "I'm scared shitless, I'm still unsure about everything, but maybe kind of a little bit okay. The only thing I'm sure about is that I like him, I like Harry. Do I make sense?"

"Nope!" Ernest exclaimed into the empty house, drawing a pink dolphin, and Louis chuckled.

"Do you guys even know what I'm talking about?"

Ernest shook his head and reached for his juice cup. "Nope!" Doris repeated, and Louis laughed even harder.

"I just," he started again. "I like him as a person. Just because I'm attracted to him, he's extremely fit and makes me laugh, doesn't mean I fancy him."

Doris tilted her head slightly to one side, wide blue eyes staring at him in confusion.

"Okay, fine," he sighed. "Maybe I fancy him. Just a little."

He fancied Harry, and he knew it deep down in his bones. There was a warmth in his chest and butterflies would spark in his stomach every time Harry was close to touching him. Sometimes when he thought about Harry, he would catch himself smiling for no reason.

Doris stared up at him, squinting up at him and head tilted to the side in confusion. They'd gotten that from their mum.

"Okay, I fancy him a lot," he nods to himself. "I have a big fat crush on Harry Styles."

"Achoo has a crush!" Doris and Ernest sing-songed.

"I do," Louis reached back to pat her exposed knee. "But you can't tell anyone. It'll be our own little secret, yeah?"

The twins didn't hesitate to nod. "Okay!" They said in unison, going back to drawing.

"You guys are such a good listeners," he chuckled, moving back to pack the now clean clothes he'd brought from London into his suitcase.

Louis offered her a strained smile. He was more nervous than he was willing to admit aloud, but it showed in his body. His expressions were tight, and his movements lacked their usual finesse as he flitted around his bedroom packing his things, readying himself for the way back to London which he'd been both looking forward to and dreading. The past three days had been utter torture, the stress over his feelings had been overwhelming.