*~Langston one shots~*

Him

Sometimes I see him that way; still and distant. A fire in his eyes, or rather behind them. Not a fire that burns hot and strong, its heat detouring you from getting too close for sake of being burnt by the lingering flames, but a steadily burning ember that calls you to huddle close to its warmth in the cold. The thought occurs to me not when he is in my immediate presence, but when I have a moment to lose myself in my work or some other busying task. The thought of him then is what has occurred to me most often, when I first seen him, or more precociously his picture. He held a danger that I couldn't help but be drawn to. Yet there was that ever so endearing sweetness that lingered just on the edge of his smirk. Something deep within him that shown through as tender and longing.

I remember small things that somehow hold a huge impact on me, things that most people wouldn't notice, let alone allow to hold such detail and precision. The way he held my hand when we made love, it almost didn't feel real; plausible. As if it couldn't possibly be me that he was wanting, but it was. The way his long fingers laced in mine slowly pulling tight, as to hold me there with him. I couldn't bring myself to say his name for fear that he would fade away and it would all prove to be a dream, an illusion I had mindlessly created. I didn't want him to go, to not be real, I wanted to soak in every detail of him. In the end I had, even while my mind was racing in all directions I had absorbed the feeling of it all. 

Now, I can't say his name enough. 

The way his skin is always warm to the touch, soft and inviting. My fingertips somehow always find a home at his chest, dancing in soft patterns that even I can't define. There are moments when they take on a mind of their own and I can't stop them from gripping tightly to him, as if it would pull his warms closer to me, hold him at some kind of a vantage point to feel how deeply I want him. Not just his body, but his heart, his soul, his entirety for all of my entirety. In the beginning I was afraid to touch him, maybe because I was afraid my touch would land on still air. That he wasn't truly there, but a trick my mind was playing on me, creating this perfect being for me to open myself to after so much. Maybe I was afraid he would disintegrate to dust and pass in the breeze. None of that was true of course, but just maybe I was waiting for it. 

Now, his touch is where I find my sanity. 

The way he speaks, forcing me to hold on to his every word, sometimes a little too tightly. The words 'I love you' trickle from his lips like warm honey and all I want is to savor every drop of it. The first time he had said it I almost had missed it. It took me a long moment to register his worlds and he was gone from view by the time it had sunk in. I screamed. I was over flowing with pure happiness. I swear I don't remember the drive home after that I was too ecstatic to focus on anything but him. He said it quite a few more times that night and hasn't stopped saying it since. There is one particular I love you that rings in my ears more clearly than any other and I pray that in our lifetime together I will hear it over and over a millions times just the same as the first. The want and desperation, the way his voice quaked and yet still held a strong and deep truth that was undeniable and whole.  

The thought of him, him with me, is like a heavy warmth that pulls on my soul and I want to sink farther into it. It is a pleasant weight like a soft quilt surrounding me on a cold morning, calling me to shrink back into the safety of my bed. Somehow I know, I am more sure of this than anything I could ever remember in my life, that he is my one and only love, for always. He saved me. From pain and hardship. From anger, and from myself. And somehow I think I saved him too. We have the rest of our lives to fill pages with small things that hold us captive in our own minds, but for now I will hold onto these and cherish each day that I am alive. You know why? Because im with HIM.

-SW