*~Langston one shots~*

Thought & Recollection

2-16-12

              I would never say my life has been bad at any pointy although it is not what I had hoped for. Tuesday night I had a dream; I know that is kind of a dumb way to start a view on life but that's really where this all begins. So I had a dream, a dream of a beautiful woman with long blonde hair, a woman in love, that's how I usually see myself in this kind of situation, a woman who's life follows a story line of my idle life as it does in many other dreams I have had. This one however, was different, there was no problem, or ordeal to overcome. In a way it was just peaceful. The part I remember the most, probably because of it's significance, the way it spoke to me, it explained so much in so little words or actions. It made me realize so much about myself that I guess I have always known deep inside but never really gave it much thought, brought it out of the box so to speak. Now I am questioning myself on decisions, reactions, just questioning myself in general, and it scares me somehow. Am I living a lie? Am I taking myself down a road where I don't want to be? Am I too far down that road to turn back? Is my life a joke? I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, like when you're walking down stairs in the dark and you reach for the next step and it isn't there. I have a feeling it's not going to ever go away. Many times I have put myself back in that dream just to feel safe, free, alive in some sense, but now I have realized it was just a dream, and I'm afraid I have also realized dreams never become a reality.

12-9-17

   I have read it time and time again it always reads the same. When I think of how sad I was and can be it all feels ages away. The pain and the aching loneliness still creep up and take hold of me and I want to run away to that dream I wrote about so long ago. The problem is that its all faded away to the point that I cant even remember who that woman is anymore. I have lost a figment of my own imagination. Yet in a sense that's okay. I have lived through years of trials, each one harder than the last, and I made it on my own. I made a life for myself a life I loved and put my all into. Then I had it ripped from my hands and destroyed before my eyes. I sunk lower and lower until I said enough. My life is not to be lived for others, it is not a game to prove myself to anyone, my life is for me alone to choose. So I did, I picked myself up work everyday to be a better me and the best part is, I'm in love. I get to be that woman from my dream so long ago, I come home to someone real, someone whole. I'm scared to death but now it's of something entirely different and new. I'm not afraid of myself or of my past, I'm afraid of my future. I will always be a lonely person consumed by the fact I will never be whole and pure again. However I have learned to live with it day to day. I can not move forward and find the pieces of myself left intact if I do not try to push the boundaries of my comfort. I will always be sad and a little lost in myself, uncertain of my worth, but I can hold myself strong for the ones I love. Being there to rebuild a part of myself in someone else could be my deciding factor. In all, dreams do become a reality, but not on their own. You have to put one foot in front of the other and find a purpose. I just hope this is one dream I never wake up from. It keeps on getting better.