*~Langston one shots~*

The Entirety of Empty

My skin was crawling like millions of tiny little fire ants had inhabited it. Inside I was freezing but on the outside it was a million degrees. I have lost my entire sense of reality, the room seemed to spin around my. I had no control over my actions, my mind races with more thoughts then I could ever possibly handle. I could not move even if I wanted to, I was stuck here; alone. I was thinking not of myself at any particular moment but of every other person who could have ever lived. My soul was becoming a dark and morbid place. Hints of color cascading threw the black obis only to remind me of everything that I have ever lost, everything that has ever gone wrong. The thought that I could have ever been happy eats at me, mind and body, like maggots at a decaying corps. I can feel them crawling under my skin gnawing at my flesh and nerves. Every little prick of their creeping bodies makes me cringe, and the sounds are even worse. I can hear ever rip and tear of my internal organs as they rip me apart from the inside out. Its almost like tearing a paper saturated in fluid, the sound of pulling the hide from a freshly killed animal. I can see them if I close my eyes, as if they where glowing somehow, leaving behind trails of desecration and undigested matter.

In an instant I am no longer myself i'm someone else, someone I thought I knew, someone I could count on even in the worst of times. Then in that same instant shes gone. The pain is so strange its almost numbing. I have lost all feelings and yet I can feel everything. Its like a bad acid trip, the complete solidarity of it all.

He crossed my mind again today. I don't know why, he was nothing to me. He never cared and I was nothing more then another notch in his bedpost. That doesn't stop it from hurting however. I was willing to give him everything, in time. I thought of the night I thought I was going mad. We hadn't talked in who knows how long and he was the one person who crossed my mind, the one person I longed to hold me and make everything okay. He was there for me and I thought we would really make it work.

'Can you just talk to me for a second.'

'Of course. What do you want to talk about?'

'Anything. I just need to talk to someone. I'm going crazy here.'

'I'm here.'

I thought of the night that we went out to the rodeo and we had so much fun together. He bought me a coke and smiled when I took it from him. We joked and sat close together. He leaned back on the bench behind us because he said he liked the view. I laughed but inside I was screaming. How could he think I was attractive? Of all the people in this world how could I be the one he wanted? We spent hours just talking and teasing. He sat me on the tailgate behind the stock-pens and stood in front of me just staring. We made jokes about the horses and the people walking by, we even talked about us. He picked me up and spun me around, I thought I was going to die I really did. He rested his head on my shoulder a couple of times holding my lower back in his hands and pulling me closer to him. I don't think I will ever forget the way it felt when he kissed me. The fist time it was soft and sweet, and then it was like he couldn't get enough. I would like to have never stopped, but that wasn't the case. When we where interrupted I felt like such a child I ducked my head looking away as he talked and I laughed to myself biting my lip. We fought that night before he left and it was my fault. When he texted me at two in the morning to make up and apologize it felt like my world was crashing down. He made the effort and he told me he wanted me. That was all I asked for. We where good for a few weeks and then it hit again, I wasn't ready, everything I thought I wanted went away and I lost all control again.

I haven't really talked to him since then and I don't know why I think of him so much. I try to tell myself im over it, that it was never anything of any significance anyway but it doesn't help. Its stupid that I ever thought I could by what he wanted me to be. I'm just not cut out for that kind of a thing, and I know that. I don't even know why I thought of any of this, none of this has anything to do with him or anything that ever happened.