His Good Girl

Chapter Twenty Four

"I love you, Victoria Brown." I said louder. I squeeze her hand and fight back tears that threaten to fall. I clench my jaw and swallow a lump in my throat. 

If she dies or she never wakes up, I won't be able to tell her that. I wouldn't forgive myself if that happened. I don't know what I would do, honestly. The last thing we talked about was guilt and blames that we've put on ourselves. It wasn't even talking, it was arguing. Possibly the last thing, the last memory with her is arguing. Her last moments were arguing...........with me. 

Fuck, I just feel so guilty. I shouldn't have argued with her........ I should have told her how much I loved her........ I should have told her that yes, we can help each other get through it. I shouldn't have snapped at her and pushed her away. I guess part of me was scared to open up about it......... scared to feel those emotions again. Yet, in the end, I still do. Pain.... guilt.... heartache, they fill me up to the brim. That's all I feel and I don't want to feel them. I want to push them aside... I want to hide behind my walls. The walls everyone's afraid of, but in reality, they are only there for me to hide behind. So that no one can see how hurt, broken and.... weak I am. 

Someone touches my shoulder and I turn around to see George there.

"We're going to get something to eat, do you want to come? If not I can pick something up for you" He asked. 

"No, I can't leave her" I answered with as much confidence I can, but it comes out shaky instead. 

"I get it, dude. I'll bring back pizza or something" George said, patting me on the shoulder before turning around and leaving the room.

 Everyone but Lincoln and the Browns come and say goodbye to me, telling me encouraging words that she'll wake up soon before following George. I don't listen to what they say, I keep my face as passive as possible, but I know my eyes show my fears. No matter how hard I try to hide them when it comes to Victoria, it's like she knocks them down and sees right through them. 

"You're not going?" I ask Lincoln. 

He shakes his head. "Someones gotta be here for you" He replied, his voice genuinely sincere.

 However, his eyes tell me something else. He means those words, but it's like something flashed through his eyes. I knew Lincoln since kindergarten and never once did I see that kind of emotion pass through his face before. I frown at him but he just ignores me and turns back to Victoria. I look at the ground trying to figure out what I saw before returning my attention back to Victoria. 

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A few hours later George comes back, a box of pizza in his hand. Vic's parents drag the coffee table, that's sitting in the corner to the centre of the room where George places the pizza down. We all grab chairs to sit down around it but I don't; I stay where I am, beside Victoria. 

"Dude, Jack, you need to eat," George said coming up behind me. 

"I-I can't leave her," I said, continuing to stare at Victoria. 

Man, did I have all these plans with her. I would ask her to the school dance; coming up in a month or so. Ask her on a proper date where I had this whole event under the stars planned for her. Surprise her and everyone else on a vacation during the winter break, somewhere special. Tell her how much I love her and make out with her for hours on the couch, bed or wherever she wants; whatever made her happy. That's all that mattered. Seeing her smile, hearing her contagious laughter is the world to me.  Knowing that I can make her smile and make her feel happy and special is what matters, nothing else. I would do anything in the world right now to see her smile, her gorgeous eyes, for her lips to curl into that heartbreaking smile that makes me want to just kiss them. Or how she bites her lip whenever she's nervous.............. I would do anything to see her smile and tell me how much I make her feel when we're together. Even if it's for a split second, to see, hear and feel those things, that's all I need right now to keep going.