Chim - Don't Help Me

Chapter 6

"Ashley? Ashley Cole? As in -"

"As in my ex-husband, yeah."

"But, I mean I thought, how?"

"Just because we're not married doesn't mean we don't see each other now and again."

"Course, I just, I don't understand."

"Me neither, Kimba, I've got no clue why he did this to us. One minute I was just talkin, and the next, well, he went all agro at me. Maybe I deserved it, maybe I'm not worthy of someone actually caring about us." I've said it, out loud, for the first time.

"Cheryl, no."

"But -"

"No. Just no. God no. How could you think that? How could, no. No way!"

"How can you be so sure?"

"Nobody should ever feel like that. No human being should hold that kind of power, you don't deserve to feel that way Cheryl. Nobody does, plus..."

She lets go of my hand, and looks down at the ground, twiddling her thumbs.

"Plus, you're not just anybody, Cheryl, you're, I mean, I've only just met you and I feel a connection. You know why that is?"

"Should I?"

"Yes Cheryl, I feel that way because you are the kindest, most beautiful, cutest, and yet strongest person I have ever met. Sometimes you crack, but you don't break, you'll never break. I feel that, Cheryl, you make people feel things. You made the whole country love you - that is no coincidence. It's because you're, you're you. You're just Chez, yet somehow you are so much more. Can't you realise that?"

She grips my hand, silently pleading for me to understand what she is saying,

"I-I, I wish I could, Kimba, I just don't feel that way, I already feel broken... How can you say those things when you don't even know me?"

"I do know you, more than you know, you let your guard down even when you don't mean to, that makes you special, your connection. Don't ever let anyone make you feel any different, please, you don't deserve that feeling."

I know that nobody truly deserves to feel that way, but me insecurities get in the way again.

"Some people just make you feel things, you know? Ya can't help it, sometimes some people just, consume your every thought. Have you ever felt that way?"

As I say this I realise that it's not just Ashley making us feel that way, she's doing it, I can't help but think of her, but I shouldn't, I can't. It's not right.

"No. I haven't, I don't let people in I suppose."

"Then why me? You're telling us stuff, Kimba, that I know you've never told anyone else."

"Like I said, you connect with everyone. Or it could just be me..."

The last words that come out of her mouth are so quiet, that at first I don't hear them, so I don't respond, after a few seconds she speaks up again.

"Cheryl I, I'm going to bed, there are pyjamas in the top draw of your room and there is a toothbrush in there as well. I'll see you in the morning."

With that, she lets go of my hand and rises from the couch, not looking directly at me.

"Wait Kimba I-" She turns around quite suddenly, expecting me to continue.

"I wanted to say goodnight, and thankyou, for, well, letting me stay. Goodnight Kimberley."

She smiles at me, that smile, god that smile, it does somethin to us I swear. Then she leaves the room, closing her door behind her, and for some reason I feel more alone then ever. I don't know what possesses us to do it, but I get up and make my way to her room.

"Kimba?"

"Yeah babe?"

"Can I maybe, Is it ok if, I -"

"Come in Cheryl, you can stay here if you want." I silently thank god that she didn't make us ask.

"I don't wanna impose, I just, I don't like bein alone, I can't."

"Here, come here, I totally understand, my bed feels a bit cold lately too, hop in already!" I smile at her, I feel like it's the first genuine smile in ages,.

"Cheryl, do you wanna get changed, you really don't want to sleep in them clothes babe."

"Oh yeah, right, I better go get my pj's eh? They are in the other room."

I hesitate walking back towards her door, I turned all the lights out before going into Kimba's room.

"It's okay, Chez, you can use another pair of mine, second draw over there." How does she even know that I don't wanna go out there?

"Thanks."

I pick a vest top and some bottoms out when I suddenly feel insecure, as though there are a pair of eyes piercing me skin, waiting for us to undress

"It's ok, I'm not looking!" She giggles,

"Look, my face is in the pillow!"

I wriggle out of my jeans, quickly replacing them as I take me top off, leaving us standin in me bra and bottoms. As I go to pull on me vest top I drop it on the ground behind us, and turn around to pick it up, praying to god she is not watching us. I pull me vest top over as I crawl into the bed next to her. I push me body into her back and wrap me arms around her waist, waiting for her to pull away. She doesn't. She places her hand over mine and whispers.

"Goodnight babe..."

For the first time in months, I start to feel safe.