World Academy Experience (Hetalia x Reader)

ch. 8.5: Emil's Diary

Lukas just bottled it up and pushed it all down. Only Emil can tell how he's really feeling, a skill he's all but mastered. But Lukas makes sure to never show his emotions to anyone but his little brother. He knows that Emil is the only one who is able to share his burden. And it is only with Emil that he lets go of his monotonous voice and blank expression.

In return, Emil stops trying to hide his sadness with anger and instead just lets it all out. They both have a bad habit of bottling up their emotions and letting them out in a tidal wave of pain, shouting, and hopeless crying.

But ever since their parents split up and separated the two brothers, they've had next to no time to be with each other. So all of their emotions that they push down just keep piling up inside of them. Emil is a volcano ready to explode. Lukas is the calm before the storm.

Some nights, when Emil has had an especially hard day at school, or Lukas is at a breaking point with his blank disguise, they'll call each other and spend the whole night talking. Lukas comforted Emil when someone wrote on his desk "go kill yourself." Emil was there for Lukas after their father had had a drunken episode and snapped Lukas' violin in anger.

It's become very clear to the two that the only thing they truly have in this world is each other.

And even while all these thoughts were rushing through the young Icelandic teen's head, they got pushed aside by a new thought. (Name). Somehow, that (h/c)-haired girl had waltzed right into his life and stole his attention. When he thought about her, a blush spread across his pale cheeks, and his heart race increased.

He deeply regretted not speaking to her. Because of the whole getting-lost-in-the-town drama, Emil was sure that (Name) saw him as nothing but a pathetic little boy that can't find his own way. And even though he knew next to nothing about girls, he seriously doubted that that kind of person is considered attractive to them. And (Name) deserved much more than what he had to offer.

Then why am I still thinking about her? Emil wondered. It was clear that she was on an entirely different level than he was. So why did it even matter? It's not like he had a chance. And it was obvious that Lukas was into her as well. Or just protective of her. Emil hadn't remembered a time when Lukas had even thought about a girl, much less be into one.

Then again, Emil himself couldn't remember that he had considered his romantic life ever since what happened with Elsje.

Oh, sweet Elsje. She had been a pretty little strawberry-blonde girl from the Netherlands, five years his senior. He had fallen hopelessly in love with her when he was just eleven.

Lukas assures him that he had not been 'in love' as he had claimed, him being so young. But Emil seriously doubted his judgement, seeing as Lukas has never even had a crush. That he's admitted to, anyway.

But after that heartbreak during Emil's already-fragile state, he had vowed to himself to never fall in love again.

But that vow was only to himself. It's okay to break it.

But even with these enticing thoughts, Emil still had to consider his brother. Lukas was one of the huge variables in this equation. Emil knew, deep down, that he would choose his brother over any girl. Always. It's that American saying, right? Bros before h- never mind.

Emil always put Lukas first, and Lukas always put Emil first. That's how it's been their entire lives. Well, it used to be that Emil put Lukas and Anette first, but now it's only Lukas.

Another reason why they had to stick together.

Shouldn't Lukas let me be happy? My happiness is the first priority for him, right? Shouldn't he let me take this chance? Even though he had these thoughts, Emil knew that it wasn't the right thing. It wasn't fair to Lukas. His older brother had never even had a crush. And Emil knew that the separation had been just as hard on him, if not more. If anything, he owed this to Lukas.