Letters to Lestat

How Did It Make You Feel?

I arrived to Dr. Scallion's office later than usual. I was reluctant to come. It was my mother who convinced me that I needed to continue these sessions. It wasn't that they were pointless. In fact, they were helping. It's just that I was starting to wonder if I needed to keep coming back and sharing these same feelings with this woman. I was starting to wonder if I was becoming a burden. Dr. Scallion was always asking how stuff made me feel, but was anyone ever asking her how stuff made her feel? I was curious.

"So, doc, don't you get tired of this?"

"I'm sorry. What do you mean?"

"Well, I know it's your job, but do you ever feel overwhelmed by all the stuff that you hear every day? I mean, it's got to be some heavy stuff. I know it's heavy for me to carry it. It's got to be heavy for you to hear it."

"Chloe, I'm trained to do what I do. I assure you that I'm completely capable of being present for you and you only. What I conduct in any other sessions outside of these will never impact our time together. Now, I'd like to continue where we left off. Would you like to continue?"

Was this what she meant about being trained to handle this stuff...being so removed that she's impenetrable? If so, I could never do her job. I'm far too emotional. I feel too much. It's why I began writing the letters. I needed a way to vent all the stuff that was swimming inside my head. "Sure."

"So, how did your assignment go? Were you able to complete it?"

I pulled the crinkled letter from my jacket pocket. "You mean this?"

"Yes, Chloe, the letter to your dad."

"Should I read it?"

"It's not a requirement. It's was an exercise to try to help you heal by expressing your feelings to your dad. What you wrote to him can remain completely private if that is what you wish."

"No, doc, it's okay, I want you to know what I wrote."

"Very well, but let me take it and read it and we can discuss the contents in our next session. The purpose of this session is to talk about how writing this letter made you feel." There she goes with feeling stuff again.

"Actually, doc, it was kinda scary at first. I didn't really know what to say or how to say it, but I didn't want to abandon the assignment. I wanted to try. I wrote a couple of words then another and another and another until there was nothing left to say on paper. It was a good thing, I guess, because it gave me the courage to go."

"To go? To go where?"

"Well, I finally went to my father's gravesite for the first time since his death. It marked six months since his passing."

"Going there shows your strength, Chloe. I'm sure it was hard being there."

"Yes, very hard, but I knew it was something I had to do. I haven't wanted to accept that he is no longer here, but seeing that headstone with his name etched in it, well, it became very real, very quickly."

"I see." She was scribbling away in her tablet at this point. I'd obviously given her lots of new stuff to analyze over a nice glass of wine in front of a cozy fireplace. Okay, Chloe Branson, stop being so cynical. This woman's only trying to help. "And do you think that it will become less painful over time?"

"Well, they say time heals all wounds, but this is my dad we are talking about. I don't think I'll ever get over this. I'll just have to learn how to cope."

"Yes, and that's why you are here so that we can help you have a thriving existence even while you've experienced loss as great as you have, Chloe. You must continue because your life has not stopped. Do you understand?"

I nodded yes. "There's something else," I said to her.

"Yes, what is it?"

"I even got around to opening the college letters."

"That's even more progress, Chloe. Does this mean that you are starting to think about the next phase of your life?"

"I'm trying. I only opened them. I've still not decided on any. The fact is I may wait on college for a while. It's not exactly what my mother wants for me, but she's trying to give me space to make my own decisions. She's trying to be understanding."

"And you're feeling what about that?"

"I'm feeling like I'm disappointing her."

"Chloe, she may very well be disappointed because she had other things in mind for you, but you've been hit with a huge blow. You have to do what is right for you."

"And right now, doc, I feel like I'm sorta stumbling around in the blind here. I mean, I don't know about college. I don't know about Loden. I don't know what to do about anything?"

"Well, Chloe, if you don't quit on me, then I won't quit on you, and together we can work to help you find your way. You trust that?"

At this point, it was one of the few lifelines that I had. "Yes, doc, I just want to get better."