Letters to Lestat

No, You First

By his own admission, Loden was a bit of globetrotter, so I'd always wondered how he managed to start the band. What I learned is that his life hadn't always been a series of shuffling from new town to new school. When he started the band four years, Loden was just a normal kid living right here in our town. He had his music and his friends, but that all changed once his dad went on active military reserve. The day his family got the call that they were being stationed somewhere far from the home Loden had always known soon came, and they moved around until they ended up back here a few months ago. Luckily for me, he walked right into my school that day and straight into my life.

These past six months had been more than I could have ever imagined, and I was especially looking forward to spending our entire summer break together. I suppose Loden had the same thing in mind because he wanted to meet up at our spot, said it was important.

"I've got something to tell you," I said to him.

"I've got something to tell you, too."

"What is it that you want to tell?"

"No, you first," he insisted.

I cleared my throat and just let my heart speak. "Loden, listen, I know I've only known you for a little while, but I really care about you. I mean, ya know...well, I think—"

"Don't. Just stop!" he interrupted while shaking his head. His actions were more than ominous.

"I don't understand."

Loden then gripped my hand firmly and looked me square in the eyes. "I don't want you to say what you're about to say. I don't deserve it."

"Loden, you're scaring me."

"I'm leaving," he blurted out.

"Wait, what? What do you mean 'you're leaving?'"

"I'm moving away, Chloe."

"But you just got here. I don't understand."

"That's why I don't like to get close to anyone," he said pulling his hand away from mine then slamming it against the hard table surface.

I desperately tried to fight back the tears, but was losing the battling at every effort. My heart was shattered. "I can't believe this is happening. I just can't believe it."

"I know, I'm sorry, Chloe. I'm so sorry."

"When do you leave?" I asked, wiping away the tears.

He lowered his head and muttered, "In a week."

"I've gotta go."

"Chloe! Please don't go! You can't just leave like this."

"Loden, can't you see that you've ripped my heart apart? How can I stay and endure this? How can I look you in the eyes and not feel any pain? Just let me go."

***

It had been three days since I'd last spoken to Loden, and I knew that our time was dwindling. What remained of us had come down to these last few fleeting days, and I couldn't leave things the way they were between us.

I agreed to meet Loden over at Ace's garage. He said we would have privacy there. It was bitter sweet going back to the place that held such fond memories for us. I didn't know how to do this, how to say good-bye. There was no practice manual for things like this. No how-to guide. Nothing.

When I entered the garage, Loden was already seated on the large brown sofa in the corner. His head was lowered into his hands and he hadn't noticed me come in.

"Hey," I said.

He raised his head and smiled faintly, his messy bangs covering his eyes. "Hey." His voice was low. "Thanks for meeting me here."

"Sure." I joined him on the sofa. "This is still a bit surreal to me."

"For me, too. I never wanted to hurt you, Chloe. You've got to believe that."

"I know," I said.

"And I hate that I'm leaving. I wish I could stay here and be with you."

"Me, too, but all we have is right now, Loden. That's all that's left for us."

"No, don't say that, Chloe. I can call you. Skype. Write."

"It won't work, Loden. You and I both know that. It may be okay for the few months or so, but eventually we'll grow apart, and I'll have to be okay with that. I'll have to be okay with the fact that you'll start all over somewhere else for however long and you may not come back here for a very long time."

"You know this sucks, right?"

I brushed his hair away from his eyes. "Yes, it sucks a lot."

"Come here," he said to me, pulling me closer to him so that we might snuggle. "If this is all that we have, then we've gotta make it count."

Loden and I spent the next few hours alone in that garage just being—we were thankful for what precious time we had had together and hoped that someday our paths would cross again.