Wounded Hearts Will Conquer

Chapter 7 - A Little Too Broken

Chapter 7
Bailey
A Little Too Broken

Maybe I was being rude. I didn’t care in that moment. I didn’t owe Evan any source of explanation because I barely knew the guy. I barely let my old friends in, let alone some boy. This was what I did best. I pushed others away, not showing how much someone meant to me, because I was too scared of getting hurt again.

I probably shouldn’t have gotten the tattoo plastered onto a spot on my body where others would obviously see and be utterly curious about. But it was my physical way of showing how much Lanie meant to me. The sisterly bond we shared before she died is something her and I will ever understand. Or I guess in her case…understood.

I shook my head lightly at myself, trying to shake the slight guilt I felt for being so rude to Evan. It’s not like he deserved to be talked to like that. I could have stayed and tried to drive the conversation in a separate direction, but I knew how he would react. He would try to pry more into my personal life than he knew better of. Everyone always did that, which was why I became so good at pushing the ones I loved out of my life. My parents sure taught me well.

”Bailey, you ready to get out of here?” my father smiled down at me, while standing around in a circle with some of Grandpa’s old friends. I nodded my head lightly, not giving too much eye contact. I just needed to get the hell out of here and get back into my bed. Lanie’s bed.

My Dad looped his keys around his fingers a couple of times, shaking hands and hugging some of his old buddies and we headed to the car.

”God, I sure do love that place,” he drawled, turning up the radio to his favorite rock station. It signaled that he definitely didn’t want to continue a conversation with me. I was just the only person he could give his opinions to, since Lanie wasn’t around any longer and my mother was off doing legal business as usual.

I rested my head against the window and watched as the trees and yellow street lines flourished through my eyesight. I couldn’t wait to be away from this city, start fresh, and not have to see Lanie’s favorite places or things everywhere I looked. I especially couldn’t wait to be away from my parents. I know they damn well couldn’t wait to get away from me.

*****

As I lay in bed that night, I replayed the two conversations Evan and I have had in the past week or so. For some reason I couldn’t shake the familiarity I felt around him. I felt as though someone might finally be able to stand sitting in a conversation with me without disliking me for once. I felt the small amount of guilt creep up in my stomach again and it almost made me feel sick. Maybe I was too much of a pushover, or maybe I was too nice. But, I felt like I sort of owed Evan an apology of some sort. I was never that mean to a person, especially someone who didn’t deserve it.

”Lane,” I whispered, looking up at her old ceiling.

It had yellow stars painted on in the center with a midnight blue and black mixture of colors surrounding it. My Dad had painted them on for Lanie when she was about six, because she loved lying down and looking up at the stars outside. She believed there was a whole world ahead of her, no matter how old she got. She knew she could explore the world and do anything she wanted. And whenever she felt the slightest bit down, which clearly wasn’t often, she would look up and know that she was one in a massive expanse of people and that she wasn’t alone.

The colors didn’t make me feel that way tonight.

They just made me feel more alone.

I sighed, staring up at the ceiling. “I miss you so much. But, you already know that because I tell you this like every single night,” I said, smiling slightly. I pushed a piece of reddish hair away from my face and continued.

”You saw how big of a bitch I was to that guy? God, he didn’t deserve that. I mean, he was only curious. About you, basically. But, who wasn’t ever curious about you? Especially when it came to guys. Maybe I was scared, I don’t know. Maybe I was scared that he could see through me somehow. I don’t want to let anyone else in Lane. I let you in, and look what happened. You were my best friend. You were the basic definition of a best friend,” I laughed a little.

”Can’t you make everything better, up there?” I sighed. “I need some happiness Lane. I’m so sick and tired of being sad all of the time. I’m not blaming you at all; I just…can’t seem to function without you here anymore. It’s been two years, and you’d think I’d moved on already. I haven’t moved on Lanie. You were the better half of me. No one likes me here. I made friends because of you. How am I supposed to function now?”

I shook my head, noticing a small drop of water cascade onto the pillow underneath my head. I always cried when I tried talking to her.

My brain still didn’t want to believe that she was gone. She literally was my better half. How do you move on from someone who you relied on for everything? How do you confide in someone other than your best friend, your sister?

”Come back Lanie,” I breathed, letting the tears fall freely as I felt my heart squeeze with utter sadness. I couldn’t do this without her.

I couldn’t do it.

*****

”Bailey!” I heard my mother call my name later on, waking me up from the depressive slumber. My eyes were swollen shut, and I knew my cheeks were still red. I had just fallen asleep for about thirty minutes or so, and she was waking me up already. I sighed heavily and pulled a pair of polka-dotted pajama shorts on.

”Bailey Renee!” she practically spat as loudly as she could. It was almost midnight, it was not necessary to scream like that at this late hour.

”I’m coming!” I shouted. I purposefully let my steps become slower as I made my way through the large house, down the stairs. My feet meshed with the white plush carpet beneath my feet as I skidded through the living room and to the kitchen where I heard my mother call my name for what felt like the tenth time. I pushed open the massive swinging wooden door and was met with blank expressions from both my mother and father as they were sat at the dining table. My Dad had his hands crossed in front of him, looking over to my mother to begin speaking.

What the hell was going on?

”Sit, Bailey,” my Mom urged, throwing an arm in the direction of the chair across from her. I eyed her weirdly and slowly sat down, facing them both with an anxious, but worried expression on my face.

”What did I do?” I asked nervously. As I awaited their response, my leg bounced anxiously beneath the table.

”Your father and I are worried about you,” she said, slowly and carefully, gauging my reaction. I’m telling you, if it was physically possible for my eyeballs to popping out of my sockets right now like in cartoons, they would be.

”You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I said quickly, without bothering to refrain to PG language.

”Language,” my mother snapped. “We’re worried because you’ve been cooped up in her room since God only knows when, and have yet to go see your friends or see a building other than our home.”

What friends, I thought. I eyed her carefully, trying to figure out where the hell all of this was coming from.

”We’ve gotten you a job,” she continued, looking over at my father for reinforcement. He only nodded along to what she said, looking over at me. He never read any emotion of the sort since the day Lanie died, and he still hadn’t right now.

”What?” I exclaimed.

”We’re tired of seeing you cooped in that dreaded room of hers and want you to see the light of day once in a while,” she continued. I laughed a little in front of her, my shoulders actually shaking. I did this for two reasons.

One, she couldn’t even say Lanie’s name since the day she passed away and it was like she was forbidden to even be spoken of in this house.

My second reason was because she actually pretended to care about my well being. This was all definitely new to me.

”We’ve gotten you a job at the theatre that your father played at for the benefit,” she continued, talking over my silent laughing. I loved how she carried on a discussion with me using “We” over and over, when my Dad hadn’t said a word since I walked down here.

”Are you on drugs?” I stated, blankly. She gasped loudly and scolded me for my attitude. I didn’t care at that point. How dare they pretend like they cared about my well being and what I was doing all day? She was too busy carrying on her new law firm and my Dad was practically never home. Since when did what I was doing mean anything to them?

”No, how dare you guys. No one gave a flying fuck what I was doing since the day that Lanie died.” Mom’s eyes bulged at the mention of Lanie’s name. My Dad still looked blankly on in the midst of the conversation. “Yeah that’s right, I said her name. Lanie!” I shouted. “Lanie, Lanie, Lanie! I’m so sick of pretending like her name is forbidden in this house. She existed mother, and I know that you know that. She was your favorite daughter. You spent every waking hour obsessing over her. Stop pretending like you hadn’t. She died! That doesn’t mean that we don’t continue to talk about her anymore!” I had my hands flying all over the place and I was suddenly pacing the kitchen back and forth.

”Now Bailey,” my Dad started. I cut him off immediately.

”Oh, the silent man speaks!” I yelled, throwing my hands in the air. He went to speak again, and I put a hand up to stop him. “No! I have yet to finish Dad! Another thing, how dare you both suddenly pick an interest in my life and set me up with a job without even asking what I wanted to do. You don’t get to push into my life all of the sudden without even giving the slightest hint of worrying about it before! You guys don’t care about me. All you cared about was her!” I pointed up at the sky, referring to my long lost older sister, my chest heaving from the exertion of yelling and the emotions all tumbling out at once.

”We-“ my mother began, but I conveniently cut her off again with the raise of a hand.

”Be quiet, mother. Stop saying we when Dad hasn’t said a single fucking word since I walked into this kitchen. You’re both the worst parents I could possibly imagine having. If Lanie was clearly the favorite, why did you both bother creating me? When I know I’m such a burden to take care of!”

I couldn’t take it all anymore so I stomped off, out of the kitchen, letting the door swing roughly back and forth behind me. I heaved in heavy breaths as I made my way back upstairs and into the bedroom that I knew so well. I fell back onto the bed, trying to compose myself. I felt like a small amount of weight was lifted off of my shoulders, but I knew for a fact that my words hadn’t affected my parents at all.

But then I heard a knock at the door. Maybe I did have an affect on them?

I wasn’t risking having to look my mother in the eye again so I called out to the door from my bed. “Yes?”

”You’re Mom sent me up here,” my Dad called through the door. He sounded sullen and I was suddenly very curious as to what his face portrayed at that moment. I wondered if my words had gotten to him. I wondered if he actually showed emotion for once in his life on that scruffy, graying face.

”And?” I prodded, sitting up slightly in the bed.

”She said your new job starts tomorrow and to be in by ten in the morning. If you don’t show up…” he took in a breath for a second. “We’ll find out and you’ll be grounded.”

I stared wide-eyed at the door and listened as his massive foot steps turned away from my bedroom door and down the stairs to that dreaded woman in the kitchen.

And to think, I actually thought my words had finally gotten to them. Maybe I actually got through their heads how lost I felt, how unwanted I felt in this home. I thought that at the most, one of them would understand how much I wanted to feel like their daughter again.

I was so, so wrong.