To The Moon And Back | ON HOLD

02 | Bellatrix

E L L I E

"Youth offers the promise of happiness, but life offers the realities of grief." Once again, Nicholas Sparks hits the nail on the head. People may wonder, for someone who does not read books I sure know a lot of quotes by the authors behind said books. In truth, I do. However, there's a reason for it.

I can relate to them.

For every chapter of my life, I can recite a quote that applies to any activity or situation I have found myself in. Take today as an example. My dear friend–who doesn't know I'm his dear friend–has shined a bright light on yet another one of my day-to-day thought processes. Life offers the realities of grief. This may have different meanings for different people.

But I see it how it is. 

On our ride back home, I desperately wanted nothing more than for the earth to open its gaping jaws and swallow me whole. My mother and father didn't say a word or look at me. I guess doing so would make this situation all too real. When hope is handed to you, then suddenly it's ripped from your arms, you have little time to react to the situation before it finally dawns on you.

Looking at me would be the moment when it dawns on everyone that I'm on my way to death if further treatment after this does not work.

When we made it home, everyone departed to their rooms quietly. I couldn't blame my parents. I knew eventually they'll come to speak to me. They always do, but, understandably, they need a second to process all the information that was dumped onto them today. Curse you, Doctor Lucia, you could have just said you didn't have an estimated time and stick by that till the bitter end.

"Hey, can I talk to you?" Alec asked as we came to a halt before my door. I motioned towards my room, allowing him in behind me. Please, do not make me cry, Alec, I've held it in this long, I do not need to break my track record. "Considering the obvious tension in the car, I'm guessing the cancer came back." I nodded my head stiffly.

His head bobbed up and down vigorously as if he was trying to convince himself of something as his eyes flickered across the room aimlessly. He shoved his hands down his pocket and tutted, "you'll be okay, I know it, you'll be fine. B-because there's no way you're dying Ellie." He stammered, clearly not believing his own words.

"Do you really believe that?" I asked.

His eyes penetrated through mine, "why wouldn't I?" His face was determined, not a hint of hesitation lingering behind what was obviously a facade draped over the backdrop that conveyed his true emotions. I'd rather him tell me the truth than lying to my face, it only makes things worse that he's putting on a show whether it's to convince himself or me.

However, I don't want to rip away what little hope he has left within him, so I smiled, choosing to ignore his blatant lie, "I think so too." I lied as well, I guess this is the beginning of something new. "Alec, could you also not tell Lizzie and Stewart." When I became friends with them, I was in the early stages of Leukemia. Being a cancer patient and having friends who can't relate to it isn't the best experience.

My life has been a montage of hospital visitations, the sympathetic face, constant fear of impending death, limited conversations in fear that something offensive would break my little fragile porcelain body and mental health. In hindsight, my friends cannot handle the news of my cancer recurrence.