The God Collection

Unlucky Frank

God sat at a little dive bar that he had found some time back during one of his little excursions into the world. Lucifer would have called it "slumming," but Got liked it regardless of Lucifer's jibes about the practice. God liked the little bar. He had no tangible reason to like the bar, really. It was a little hole in the wall place called Toby's Bar and Grill, though there really wasn't much in the way of grilling ever going on. It was a decent little place where you could get cheap whiskey, crappy beer, and simple drinks. The kind of place you could drink for a couple of hours on just under twenty bucks so long as you didn't mind the smoky atmosphere and dark lighting.

God didn't mind at all. In fact, the smoke and dull conversation mixed with the run down jukebox made the place the ideal place to just get away and relax in anonymity.

He was sitting, drinking and trying not to do much thinking when he over heard the bartender's greeting to a guy who just walked in. The guy was soaked to the bone and looked a little worse for the wear. The guy was sitting down at the bar when God over heard the bartender say, "Wow, Frank, you're looking rough."

"This has been the worst fucking week of my god damned life!" Frank replied. "I just need a beer and a shot."

The bartender, obviously familiar with Frank as a regular, turned to pour a shot of tequila. "Huh, looks like I need another bottle." The bartender pulled off the pour cap and tossed the empty bottle in the trash. "Lemme grab you that beer awhile."

The beer poured for half a second when the tap sputtered air. "Not my lucky day," the tender said. "Kicked keg. I'll be right back."

"It ain't your luck," Frank said. "My life's been like this all fucking week."

The bartender returned with another bottle of the tequila that he was about to pour for Frank. He set Frank up with his shot and beer and asked, "What's up with your week?"

"Evidently, God hates me!" Frank said. "This week has been shit."

God looked at Frank and tried to remember if he had ever seen the man before. There was no recollection. Curiosity overcame God, so he decided to introduce himself, though not as the deity that the man seems to think he was hated by.

"Frank stared at the empty shot glass and was already halfway through his beer as God sat next to him.

"I couldn't help hearing you say that you think God hates you," God said.

"Yeah, what about it?" Frank said defensively.

"Why do you think God would hate you?"

Frank looked God up and down and sighed. "Are you one of those Jesus freak people?"

"I assure you that I have no interest in following..." God started vehemently, but then realized he was growing angry with a man who may be a bit frightened by an angry God. He took a deep breath and finished, "Well, let's just say no. I'm not."

"So why you asking?"

God shrugged. "I hate to see a guy down on his game like you seem to be."

"Yeah," Frank said. He took another long pull from his beer. "So, I find out that my company that I have been slaving for for years is about to fire me because they just lost a big contract and can't keep all the factory workers. Then, the girl I been seeing says she's bored with me and want's me to move out. My car got broken into, and then I ended up having to buy another set of tires because someone slashed mine. Somehow, by bank seems to think that my credit cards have all been stolen and so I have no money. I've been staying at a friend's house, and his dog has a plague of fleas like nothing I had ever thought possible. This is just the worst fucking week, and I'm sure whoever the fuck is up there," Frank pointed to the ceiling. "They have it in for me."

God ordered another round for Frank and himself.

"Look, it's just coincidence that all this has happened to you all at once," God assured. "It's just one of those quirky things about life. Besides, if there really was a god up there, what could you have possibly done that would make him even know you existed, much less make him hate you? Do you really thing some god would really be that interested in every person in this world enough to even know your name? I bet you leave here and things will start looking up for you. I mean, if you hit the bottom there's really nowhere else for things to go but up, right?"

"I guess it makes sense that way," Frank muttered. "It's just that everything seemed to just fall to shit in a couple of days. Three days ago, my life was just fine. Then, I get to work late because of some random road construction, and the rest is fucking history. Job gone. Girl leaves." Frank chuckled. "It just feels like some one is out to get me."

God smiled. "I'm sure things will get better for you. I mean, some stranger just bought you a round of drinks, so it can't be all that horrible. Right?"

Frank downed his third shot and chugged his beer down. "Yeah, I guess you're right." Frank sighed and stood. "Well, I got shit to do. Nice chatting with you. Thanks for the shots and the beer."

God nodded and watched Frank head to the bathroom. Just for good measure, God tweaked the universal path in just such a way that it should give Frank just a bit of luck that he needed.

It worked. Frank came out of the bathroom with a smile on his face. God knew as Frank left that he'd just found a hundred-dollar bill on the floor. God smiled to himself for doing a good deed. He watched Frank get into his car as Lucifer walked into the bar.

"Hello, friend," God said warmly. "What brings you here?"

"Not much," Lucifer said as he shook God's hand. "Just out and about. Hey, what were you and that guy talking about?"

"Frank?" God said. "Not much. You know him?"

"Yeah," Lucifer explained. "He's an asshole. He cut me off on the highway two days ago and I almost wrecked my classic Ford. Been getting back at him ever since."