When we got back Gus and Miah were talking to Briel and Jake, Hannah, and Skya were trying to get Annie to say something. I imediately felt guilt run through my body and I began to run to leave. Unfortunately Brinson had a tight grip on me and wasn't about to let me go anywhere. My confidence had left and I felt weak.
"I can't do this," I whined my voice a little shaky.
"Yes you can," Brinson said squeezing me in a hug.
"But, but, but what if they get mad at me?" I asked him.
"What if? What if?" he asked. "This is no time for what if's! How you gonna know unless you try?" he looked down at me. I took in a deep breath.
"Here it goes, " I whispered walking toward the trampoline. As I jumped on, everybody watched me and Briel began to get up.
"What are you doing?" she asked wallking over toward me.
"Hop on," I told her as I was bouncing around on it. The air was cool and the sky was cloudy, matching my mood. Briel joined me but instead of jumping she just stood there glaring at me.
"How can you be jumping around acting like this is nothing when it is something. It's a big deal! You're dying!" she told me sternly. I slowed my jumping to a halt.
"How can you be so sad and serious, when you're not dying?" I continued to jump and she joined me.
"Because my friend is, I care about you!" she told me.
"I care about you too which is why I don't want my leukemia to kill our relationship. I want you to be with me until the end," I said and a tear ran down her cheek.
"I will. I always have been," she whispered back and tackled me with a hug as she began to cry. We stood there for a few minutes and then she began to calm down.
"Hold on," I said as I hopped off the trampoline. I walked toward Annie who was still standing there in shock.
"Annie?" she didn't respond. "Annie?" I repeated. She turned her head toward me.
"Are you all right?" I asked her looking directly in her eyes.
"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine," she said nodding her head continuously. "I'm fine," she whispered to herself. I grabbed her into a hug.
"I'm sorry," I was the one crying now. Annie wasn't hugging me back but I continued to hold on to her afraid that if I let her go I might lose her forever. "I'm sorry that I never told you that I'm dying. I'm sorry I can't tell you that everything is going to be fine and that I'm not doing chemo anymore because I am recovering. And I'm sorry that I won't be around to be your maid of honor at your wedding or that I won't be able to pick up the phone when you call me to tell me that you just had two twin baby girls," I was still crying and she began to hug me back. "I'm sorry that I can't talk to you about my future and your future and I'm sorry that I'm going to leave you. But, I just want you to know that no matter what I'll always be watching over you guys and that I'll be waiting for you guys no matter how long it takes!"
"Don't be sorry. There's no shame in dying," she told me. "It's a process of life, just, you matured faster than all of us." This made me cry even harder. "Hey Ben?" she asked.
"Yeah?" I sniffled.
"How will I know where to find you when I go up there?" I felt a warm drop hit my shoulder and I knew she was crying now too.
"I'll be at the ocean," I smiled. "I'll leave you signs and my brother and I will be waiting." Annie nodded.
"Okay," she began crying. "Okay." We parted and Hannah and Skya came up and hugged me both crying.
"Will you watch over my brother when he goes up there with you guys?" Hannah whispered.
"Oh yes," I answered her. "Pinky promise." I could feel her smile slightly as we linked pinkys.
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After a lot of talking, the guys went home and we all laid down in our sleeping bags trying to fall asleep. None of us could though because we knew no matter what, that there'd be no happy ending. Instead, we looked up at the sky, seeing nothing but clouds, no stars, no nothing. We all new they were up there though, and that if we tried hard enough, they would eventually shine through, each showing off their beauty.
