|| Love to Hate Me ||

{Twenty-Seven}

"I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey, you know me, it's all or none."
-Where I Stood, Missy Higgins
__________

The familiar smell of fragrant whiskey lingered in the air—that godawful fog had returned, hovering over Harlan. She dropped her bags into the floor of the bus, leaving them in the walkway.

Harlan was sprawled out on the narrow couch. His fingers intertwined, resting on his chest as soft snores escaped from his parted lips. She stared down at him in pity, her gut twisting at the sight of him.

Liana had seen Harlan like this many times, but it was before she knew him—before she had fallen in love with him.

Seeing him like this before was troubling to say the least, but it didn't hurt like it did now. It had been mostly disheartening; to see all of his potential going to waste. But now, Harlan Hayworth was more than just a talented musician wasting artistic potential, he was wasting the potential of being her future.

"Harlan... Harlan..." Liana repeated, moving his leg to sit next to him. His snores grew louder before his eyes shot open, looking over at Liana in a drunken haze of confusion. "We need to talk."

"I've got nothin' to say to you." Harlan spoke quietly as he sat up, moving away from her as if she were disease ridden.

"What Robbie told you... Harlan, you need to hear me out." She cooed, trying to make him listen.

"Is it true?" Harlan asked monotoned, already knowing it was.

"It's not what you think, Harlan. It was before I knew you, before I knew you forced Rough Trade to drop you. I thought it's something you would've wanted-"

"What I wanted," Harlan scoffed. "Like you know what I want. I shoulda known by the way you hesitated to move in with me somethin' wasn't right. But, no... I got fooled again by some pretty face with even prettier lies. Talk about marrying me in the woods... a fucking lie. Tell me to ask you for a baby in five years, god I'm a fucking idiot. A fucking dumbass."

"No, no... I love you, I will move in with you-"

Harlan laughed. "Yeah, I bet you would now. Anything to get me to sign, huh? How much did they offer you if I signed?"

"Nothing."

"Bullshit. Was this your plan from the beginning? To make me fall in love with you and get me to start makin' music again? If Robbie hadn't told me this had been your plan from the beginning, I would've never saw it coming."

"Harlan, look at me... please... it's not like that. There was nothing in it for me, just the privilege to share a stage with you, that's all. But then I fell in love with-"

"Don't... don't pretend like you love me. You shoulda been an actress, I think you missed your calling, princess." Harlan's words meshed together—his eyes lolling to the back of his head for a moment. "So was any of it true? The cheating boyfriend... me being the second guy you've ever made love to?"

"It's all true."

"What about the dead brother, was that a lie-"

Without a hitch, Liana smacked the words out of his mouth, causing them to fall short. Harlan rubbed his jaw, feeling the sting on his cheek.

"How dare you. How fucking dare you. You know what, Harlan... you're not worth it. I thought you were, but you're not. Believe whatever the fuck you want to, you don't deserve an explanation." Liana snapped.

She stood from the lounge, only to have Harlan grab a hold of her wrist, stopping her from moving any further away.

His downturned eyes held no light, the empty sadness behind them from when she had first met him had returned. But she could swear that she saw something else in those light brown eyes, still—hope.

"I'm gonna have to finish the tour." Harlan said, his eyes searching her face. He licked his lips, it was clear they were dry. "So in the meantime... I need you to stay the fuck away from me."

"Just leave. Just fucking leave." Her voice trembled, cracking under the weight of her tears hiding in her throat.

"I can't unless you kick me out. There's this thing called a contract. Are you kickin' me out?"

"No." Liana cried; she couldn't hold it back any longer. Harlan raised his arms, giving her a contemptuous shrug.

He wanted to believe her—damnit did he want to believe her. But Harlan had never had the advantage of being around someone with good intentions before—he had to base the truth on his past experiences.

Liana was no different than anyone else—she had been using him to fulfill her own selfish purpose. 

"I can't believe you're gonna throw it all away. All because you see what you wanna see. I know you're scared... I'm scared too. But you know what, I gave it a fucking shot. You're nothing but a coward." Liana spoke low and grave, wanting nothing more in this moment than to smack him across the face again.

"I'm the coward." Harlan chuckled mockingly. "I'm a coward because I refuse to get played again. No, you're just mad I found out- that I figured it all out."

"Whatever. Whatever helps you sleep at night."

She stood from the couch, picking up her luggage before making her way to the back of the bus. If Harlan wanted space, she was going to give it to him.