my girl | brendon urie

30

trigger warning (again, i'm sorry)
suicide

happiness doesn't last.

it never does.
why would i think it would for even a second? the panic! fandom were supporting and kind. but the few odd people? no. and by 'few' i meant there were so many. even in school. i'd casually walk around and be treated indifferently. maddies parents saw the videos and have banned her from seeing me. it sucked ass but we didn't care. we went on dates, held hands...she just wanted us to be happy. and so did.

but happiness isn't easy to obtain in a place like this. i would just be outside getting ice cream rolls with mariah and people would walk past me and call me a disgrace to humanity. it really sucked. she urged me to tell brendon. but i refused. but when she said "if you don't, i will" bish i had to think fast. "okay!" i lied.

to make it worse, it was horrible in school. i'd stuck up for myself and got into so much trouble. i cried and told them what they said but no. they got justice. my bullies smiled with pleasure, seeing me in pain.

it happened so much. my parents got called in and they didn't believe me. my self harm hadn't stopped. it was worse now. i felt so hopeless and lost and didn't know what to do. i just wanted to die. i was afraid of living longer.

and one thing made it all crash down onto me.

i may or may not have lashed out on someone and said some horrible things which made them cry. i was called the bully. and as usual i was in trouble. and i lashed out again. "she told me
to fucking kill myself! do you know the shit i've done because of them!?" i got into more trouble for answering back and i got excluded.

i didn't want to hear anymore. i just ran. out of school. i'd sat in my secret spot crying and contemplating.

tammy was dead because of me. she loved me. brendon and sarah were disappointed in me. i was bullied for my sexuality, looks and personality. i was bullied online and harassed daily. people thought that i was shit. i'm afraid of being who i am. i'm afraid of walking around. i'm afraid of freedom. i'm afraid of living.

maybe this is meant to be.
maybe it's the right thing to do.
maybe it's for the best.

i texted everyone i loved. telling them they'd be okay. telling them they didn't need me. telling them that i wasn't worth their tears and blood. they would be better off without me. the world would.

and i was off. i knew my parents would come look for me. so i had to house to myself.

i searched high and low for what i needed. i went into the garage and looked to. then i found it. the rope. i stood on the chair and tied it to the ceiling fan. i said one last goodbye and stood on the chair. this was the end. it really. i held either side and slotted my neck through. i slowly edged my way off the chair.

footsteps ran in. "no! lana stop! no please no!" mariah. "go away" i whispered. "lana no! you can't! listen to me! listen to me for one second! please!" she begged.

"i know your not going to believe anything i say. but listen. please! think. your life is worth so much! you've stayed alive this long! why let it go to waste!? you've been battling this war for so long and your going to give up!? your not weak! never!

think of how your parents would feel. brendon and sarah would be in agony that they lost their first child! sure they tell you off and yell at you. but they care! they don't want you to do stupid shit. they love you so much. they sit in bed sad that their child is hurting and they don't know what the fuck to do! they feel so shit that they can't help you. and they're trying so hard. they want you to be happy. they'll be crying themselves to sleep, knowing they failed and lost you.

what about maddie? she loves you so much. you've made her the person she is today. she's confident, happy and strong. you helped her come out. you saved her life twice. you can't leave her. she'll be sitting on her own eating ice cream rolls, crying herself to school, hiding herself...she'll be in horrible condition. she won't have her amazing girlfriend to help her and guide her through.

tammy. she's looking down at you and doesn't want you to do this. she knows your strong and that none of this is your fault. she doesn't want you making the same mistake that she did. she wants to be with you. but your happiness is important to her. you bring happy will make her happy.

what about me? your my only alive relative. who am i gonna tell my thoughts and feelings to? who will i treat to mcflurrys on a daily basis? josh would be hurt to. your his niece and he loves you. he likes watching tv with you while you criticise everything jokingly. he enjoys hearing you laugh at his shitty jokes.

lana don't you realise? you have so much to live for! you're loved! you can be happy! we want that for you! let us help you! let us help you realise what your missing! we need you to stay alive. please

please don't do it"

i sank to the floor and sobbed, speechless. more footsteps ran in as mariah wrapped her arms around me and let me cry on her.

what was that