my girl | brendon urie

26

trigger warning
near suicide

i decided i didn't want to go into school today. i phoned in and pretended to be sarah and said i wasn't going to be coming in. i got ready into this:

i brushed my hair and put on some mascara and them headed downstairs. my parents were downstairs and had made me breakfast. "hey cutie!" brendon ruffled my hair. "hi beebs" i said blankly, sitting at the table. "how'd you sleep?" he asked again. "are you okay?" i suddenly pondered. they never asked that. only on my first few sleeps here.

"yeah! are you?" he sat next to me while sarah went to feed the dogs. "you know the answer" i said, finishing my juice. "lana what the-" the lifted my sleeves up and i pulled away. "you know what? i-i should start going to school" i stammered, getting up. "lana wait i wanna-" i grabbed my bag. "i-i'm gonna be late! bye love you" i sped out of the door and slammed it shut.

i walked into town and got myself a starbucks. then i went to the park for a bit. i sat there and went on my phone and then looked around. i saw a few mother's with their babies. fathers. kids my age, bunking off. puppies, dogs...all happy. then there was me. sitting here in a ball of sadness, not knowing what life was worth. i finished my drink and put it in the trash. i put my earphones in and let my music fill my ears as i walked through the big greenery.

it was only eight o clock. i had so much time to kill. i found a private space and sat there crying. i bawled my eyes out loud and the air filled my ugly cries. what was life? where would it take me? was it really worth it?

then i heard the same cries. i wiped my eyes and sniffled. "hello?" i whisper. the person went silent. i crept out of my hiding place and looked around. there was no one here. "i'm sorry" it was a girl. i looked behind my hiding spot. holy shit. she's beautiful.

she had short brown hair and deep blue eyes. she was wearing a black t shirt, black leggings and white converse. she had deep scars on her arms and was leaning over the bridge. i walked over to her. "are you sure you want to do that?" i ask her.

she looked at me. "lana?" i knew her! it was maddie from english class. she sat in front of me and never spoke. she had friends but was always quiet. she would give me small smiles and sympathetic looks. she was a lost soul but always made others feel better.

"w-was that you?" she whispered, pointing to the tree. i nodded. "look, i know what your trying to do. but can we talk for a bit? about anything. it's about you" i said. her eyes lit up. "y-you care?" she asked. "of course! come on" i put an arm round her and we walked along.

"i just hate everything about myself. and i can't do shit because im too scared. my parents are sweet but when it comes to my health they won't listen. my friend thinks i have anxiety and ought to get diagnosed but i'm too scared to ask" she said. "i get you. i wasn't diagnosed till ages because of my old ones. and it's good your friends are concerned, you know they care" i said. "they don't. they tease me. it's horrible" she mumbled.

"you need to cut those bitches off! your top good for them!" i said. "i can't. i'm scared and have no one else" she said. "you have me. you can hang with me. i'll listen to you and talk with you a-and make you laugh. or i'll attempt to" she let out a laugh which was the most beautiful thing i'd ever heard. "are you homophobic?" she asked. "gross! never!" i exclaimed. she giggled.

"i'm pansexual and too scared to come out to my homophobic parents" she said. "they don't need to know! your sexuality is your sexuality and you love it and accept it. it's beautiful. if you don't want them to know, don't tell them. it's yours" then she cut me off by pressing her lips against mine.

woah.

then she pulled away. "i-i'm so sorry! i-i didn't mean to!" she started to cry. "no no don't cry! it's okay!" i put my arm round her and let her cry on me. "it's okay. i may have liked it?" i smiled shyly. "are you pan?" she asked. "discovering" i said. "i hope you find yourself one day" she said. "aww! thank you! your sweet" i smiled. she went slightly red and giggled. "12!? already!?" i exclaim.

then my phone rang. "hello?" i said casually. "where are you?" brendon asked suspiciously. "uh...school?" i say nervously. "nice try lana! get your ass home!" he cut the call. "shit" i laughed. "what's up?" maddie asked timidly. "my parents know i'm bunking" i smiled. "oh. you have to go?" she asked, sadly. "come with me. they won't mind. well, i hope they won't"

we made it to my house and she waited outside. i walked in and saw my parents sitting in the living room. "i didn't know the death would effect her so badly" brendon said. "i know. we gotta do...lana!?" caught. i walked in awkwardly. "hi"

"really!? skipping school!?" brendon said. "i'm sorry o-" he cut me off. "no. no sorry. why would you do this?" he asked. "i don't know" i murmured. "don't you trust us?" sarah asked softly. "of course i do' i-i just-" i stammered. "bullshit" brendon said simply. this angered me.

i took my hair out of my pony tail and shook it. "okay. this is why. i am sick of letting people walk over me and calling me a "celebrity" and hating on me for being human! i'm sick of them making a joke out of my best friends suicide! and i am pissed that you guys have to live in fear because of me! me! i'm tearing this family apart and you guys don't even know it! okay!? it sucks-" then we heard a bang. "maddie!?"

i went outside and she was gone. her bag was still here. and a note. i opened it. no. "lana? what going on?" my parents came out. "i-i need to go!" i exclaim. "hold up!" i cut brendon off. "i am not losing another friend to suicide!" i exclaimed, dropping the note and running down the road. "lana!"